Biggest and Best Squirters!

The top of the Hot Squirts (Adam & Eve/Ultimate) DVD I dropped into my laptop tray is decorated with an incongruous cartoon image: A large, yellow-eyed sperm, sporting a spiked collar and grinning mischievously. I think it's a logo, and not exclusive to this particular movie, but it foregrounds the obvious: Porn's loyalty to the male perspective, even if that perspective encompasses references to reproduction, or more to the point, the one active role men play in reproduction. (I'm reminded of the Family Guy episode where Stewie shrinks to sperm size to battle Peter's father load before it can impregnate Lois, only to befriend one of the little guys. As I recall, her inert egg turns into the Death Star in a sequence alluding to Stars Wars.) Still, beyond the whole Disney-meets-bukakke vibe, I found this in-your-face, Gen-X sperm a little unsettling. Frankly, I'd prefer Calvin jerking off onto a Chevy logo. (Though I suppose that's just because I'm a loyal Ford driver.)

The other option, of course, would be Cathy squirting on something she doesn't like, such as dieting, or the stress of everyday life. There's a reason we don't see her doing this on bumper-stickers, of course: for most people, squirting's still a shadowy phenomenon. Judging by numerous readers' emails and conversations I've had, people aren't sure the whole thing isn't just invented, staged, or rumor. I've witnessed it. The only thing I'm not entirely sure about is whether porn guy Dr. G, whose medical specialty is unclear, can actually make anyone do it--by putting a couple fingers to their G-spot--as his videos supposedly document. I'm pretty sure the ladies just pretend they've never experienced it. You have to be special.

The women who star in Hot Squirts do not require any special education. (Although they could all fit on a short bus.) Despite some cheesy touches--the girls all appear out of thin air in demonstrations of some not quite seamless editing--the movie knows exactly what it's about: routine sex as a launching pad for freak-show dazzle. Cytherea (pic), who has a country-singer kind of look (specifically, she resembles Leann Rimes), appears on the DVD cover not just for her looks but for her output: When she cums--lying back on a couch, say, soaking her man's entire frontside as he jerks into the stream--the amount and force of the liquid is mind-boggling. But it is what it is. That is, it happens when it happens. Admittedly, some women seems to have more control over it than others, but the stream's never really directed anywhere interesting, or used to any dramatic end. Tianna Lynn (squirting pic) provides one of the best moments when, sitting on a staircase watching Cytherea finishing up, she purposefully vibrates herself to climax. The rest of of the squirts are incidental, if impressive: Missy Monroe (pic) producing a big puddle on an expensive-looking piece of suede furniture;Flower Tucci (pic) coats a shower door with her juice. Kelly Wells (pic), done up in some complicated looking lingerie, simply masturbates by the edge of a bed as her BF sleeps; he wakes and kindly helps her to her climax. Cytherea reappears with Lilly Thai (pic) in a kitchen--it is, after all, a girl-girl squirt scene--where they first coat each other with whipped cream (which turns kinda gross, of course, as the scene progresses). Lilly doesn't shoot, I don't think, but she's the first to actually make the thing hot--not that you can really blame the squirters,who are occupied hysterically orgasming--bringing Cytherea to the edge with sultry talk about her “beautiful eyes,” and giving the action over to the flow when it comes. The question remains: Why would a squirt flick that knows to aim and highlight every sperm dump not do the same for something patently more special?

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