Carl Paladino And The Speedo Boys

Dear Carl,

Yesterday, I took apart your biblical hate against gay people, spewed in the wake of a horrifying batch of bullying, suicides, and torture that have millions of sensible adults breaking down doors to try and make the world safer for young gays.

Your choice--supposedly ordained by God--is to add to the persecution, followed by weak attempts to take back your vitriol while maintaining it at the same time--as if you were returning a lice-eaten sweater to K Mart, but refused to take it off.

You're a mess, honey, but I forgot to address your most comical statement of all.

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Explaining why the Gay Pride Parade is so distasteful to your oh-so-refined, love-child-creating ass, you said:

"They wear these little Speedos and they grind against each other, and it's just a terrible thing."

Well, I don't believe in apologizing for any part of our community as long as they're not doing anything wildly irresponsible. (And they're not; bathing suits don't set my moral compass spinning, unless the color clashes with their handbags.)

Besides, guys in Speedos are hawt!

But if you happen to find them gross--as you gaze at their "grinding" long enough to notice how appalled you are--that's a crazy reason to demonize the entire parade, and in fact the entire community!

That's like saying, "Haven't you seen Jersey Shore? That show proves straight people don't deserve equal rights!"

Besides, if you want a parade that has disgusting elements, why don't you check out the green vomit that sometimes permeates the St. Patrick's Day Parade, where openly gay floats are banned.

It can be pretty rancid--but I'm still noble enough to feel straight people should be allowed to get married.

Except you!

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