Country Music Awards 2005 NYC: A Visitor's Guide by City Ambassador Riff Raff

CHICKEN W/ THE TRAIN

Coming soon: Rascal Flatts 24-Hour Diner

Riff Raff's Guide to All Things CMA NYC 2K5: Visitors Only!

Since the best you celebrities could do for me today was confirm that, no, the paparazzi were not involved in the Lohan car crash (duh), I bring you the first of what will hopefully be many more guides for all you out-of-town riffers gearing up for the 39th Annual Country Music Awards, happening right here in New York City, November 15. With help from Status Ain't Hood and Pete L'Official, I have assembled a number of CMA hot spots: places to go, people to see, games to play during your stay. And since this is the CMAs, I have mostly included hot spots that celebrate some of this year's nominees.

Where To "Play Chicken With the Train":

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The 1 and 9 trains will give you a good scare, but be warned: the N, R, Q, W trains are for pro chicken-players only. Listen, don't even think about playing chicken with these trains unless you've already been hit by at least five trains. Children along for the ride might enjoy a game I call "Play Train with the Chicken," which is when you run up really fast at a flock of pigeons in Union Square until they freak out and scatter. If you step on one, nothing happens.

Where To Get "All Jacked Up":

Crunch Gym on Lafayette. Please note this is not the same place to get "All Mixed Up"-- you're thinking of the Ikea Store in Newark, where punk-funkers 311 will be performing a rare acoustic set.

Where To Hear Country Music on The Radio:

Though New York City still doesn't have a proper or properly funded country music radio station, that doesn't mean Pizzeria Uno in East Village is going to stop playing Alabama's "Tennessee River" on REPEAT every fucking time I go there. Don't order the wings.

Where To Buy Underground Country Music Mixtapes:

OK we're getting into the nitty-gritty now aren't we! There's one spot in Manhattan for country music mixtapes, and he's pretty damn good, always has the new shit. Here's what you got to do: Go to Pizzeria Uno in East Village. Tell the owner to stop playing "Tennessee River." Do that ten more times. Right before the owner is about to punch you, tell him Wizard sent you.

Where To Buy "Cowboy Weed":

Whoa! Hold up! Up north we just call them "cigarettes."

Where To Buy Skoal:

Perhaps you've noticed that New York doesn't have much dip for sale--confusing, given the relatively good availability of cowboy weed. Most New Yorkers just don't dip, that's my guess, though from time to time people have been known to stuff their lips with pieces of trash.

Where To Find Rascal Flatts:

He'll be bopping around SoHo for sure, but for now Flatts fans will have to settle for a private tour of the Trump Plaza outside Columbus Circle, future home of Dizzee Rascal's Flat.

Where and When to Drop Keith Urban's Name, and What it Will Get You:

Anywhere, anytime--anything you want. The name says it all. Here is an exchange between me and the bouncer last night at an exclusive party in a building:

-You can't come in. -I'm with Keith Urban. -Who? -Listen, Keith Urban means Keith City. -What? -I'm the mayor of Keith City.

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