Do you get choked up watching girls take bong hits, drink beer, and stand supportively behind their fathers? Well, you might just be a redneck. Who likes deepthroat. As opposed to necking. According to the bluenecks at the New York Times, you are also a monster. And not just you, dirtnuts--everyone who creates and partakes of popular music, television, cinema, and web "content." We are cramming our collective penis down the windpipe of moral America's giant, disembodied talking head--and that head is biting. (Also, it's using its hand, which violates rule one of deepthroat. I know that I said the head was disembodied, but it has a hand attached to it, a Tyrannosaurus Rex kinda thing.) Here's a couple excerpts from the Times's odd foray into reactionary proselytizing:

American teenagers have no trouble getting access to graphic sexual presentations. And no one restricts what they hear in popular songs. The effect of abstinence-only education pales by comparison with the many graphic messages that portray sexual activity--especially unprotected sex outside of marriage--to be a part of our culture as normal and acceptable as eating a Big Mac or drinking a Coke.

So teaching only abstinence isn't protecting our children from each others' genitals? (Interesting side note: The sequel to Super Size Me will be Super Size It: My Penis: An Inspiring Story of Enlargement.)

In a 2001 study of sexually active black girls ages 14 to 18, those who were exposed to X-rated movies were more likely to have multiple sexual partners, to have sex more often, to test positively for chlamydia and to be less likely to use contraception.

Meanwhile, in a 2002 study of sexually active white girls ages 14 to 18, those who were exposed to X-rated movies were more likely to get their own reality TV shows and date Greek shipping heirs.

I mention all this because I know you're a teenager and ready to take that pimply-faced kid down to his balls in the boy's bathroom. Here's how!

First, stream Gag on This 2 (click on the title to watch a preview). Spliced from 24 different scenes--all starring Asian women--in various flicks from the hard-gonzo team at Acid Rain, the movie does show Jayna Oso (pic )taking four fingers and the 11th finger in her bum, which I do not recommend, unless you like taking it up the ass or want to be cool. Some chapters, edited out of longer, beyond-BJ couples and MMF scenes, are rather short to be truly educational. But perhaps more importantly, some of these women's scenes could never be too long: the aforementioned Ms. Oso; quiet, Alyssa Milano-esque Jassie (pic); and Kemmy (pics), whose passive though not unenthusiastic handling of an oversize dong somehow translates as sweet.

Jules Jordan, a blowjob aficionado who would never half-ass an all-oral flick, still can't be expected to match himself every time out. Feeding Frenzy 7 (Evil Angel) isn't the strongest of the series, but the formula remains strong: a whole crew of guys, deeperthroating, theatrical cum-eating, and little undue aggressiveness. There's even a simple, effective vignette storyline centered around the bespectacled Hillary Scott (pic) coincidentally applying for an office job the day a starlet blows off a scene. Yes, what follows is a portrayal of sex outside of marriage. I look forward to the Times coming out in favor of polygamy.