Disney World Sucks, Actually
Some years ago, I got to finally live my lifelong dream of going to Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.
I was horrified.
I knew the place was going to be blandly generic, but it didn't know it was going to be that blandly generic.
And I had no idea you had to choose from four theme parks, each one with separate admission. I blindly assumed you got to see them all (especially since I was comped!).
My friends were begging for Epcot, but I insisted on the Magic Kingdom, knowing that was just the kind of glitzy fantasyland for my tired ass.
But it was boring, kids.
There were lines filled with icky-looking families.
Plus there weren't that many rides I could go on (since I hate anything that drops), so as three-year-olds excitedly lined up for roller coasters, I stood and watched in terror!
And there was no momentum to the day, as we just kind of strolled around from non-activity to non-activity.
Even the wandering Disney characters seemed not that into it, no doubt hawking screenplays on the side.
I probably should have gone on Space Mountain, just so I wouldn't have left with such a blank expression.
Actually I wouldn't have left at all -- I would surely have croaked, enabling my remains to join Walt's in the cryogenic castle.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Village Voice's biggest stories.