Double Your Pleasure, Fun: Two Dicks in One (Vagina)!
The shaving industry went to war over who should be credited with ratcheting up the number of blades on our disposable razors after Schick introduced the Quattro, shaming Gillette's Mach3 Turbo. (Why doesn't someone combine quattro technology with a turbocharger, the way Porsche did with Papa Maldoro's all-wheel drive 911 Turbo, which I was allowed to drive once? As for five blades, that leap awaits its shaving-exec visionary.) The porn industry isn't so different from the razor industry. They both generate a great deal of revenue, which is divided among a small group of powerful companies; encourage men and women to trim their body hair; reinforce traditional gender roles; rely on people getting white stuff smeared on their bodies and men gripping phalluses; and rest assured share many other qualities. So is it porn's backward nature that has prevented them from upending the “all”-holes-filled/double-vag/double-anal penetration benchmarks? Will we ever see three penises in a vagina, or one penis in an ear hole? No really, I'm asking. Send me an email.
Double Vag #3 (here's the original), let's just get it out of the way, is totally Brokeback Mountain homo, of course. These men are as much rubbing their cocks together as poking the pink. Porn's man-man contact and fetishized masturbation (jacking onto faces, stroking to keep it up) commonly fuel charges of hypocrisy--I've leveled 'em myself--that themselves sound a little uncomfortable with gayness. For the viewer's sake, the actors have to pretend like it's all straight, or be convinced themselves. (Those are probably the guys who treat the women like unwelcome guests, perhaps hoping without even knowing it that the she'll leave him alone with his bud--or, simply, pud.) The industry deserves credit for serving the lowest-common-denominator mainstream despite--or, more accurately--by maintaining such a homo permissive culture. Then again, there's that whole taboo on men starring in both gay and straight flicks. If the AVNs were more like the Oscars--hell, Golden Globes--maybe that nasty little rule would break down under prize-grab crossovers. (I've heard Brad Pitt's looking to toss his hat in the cock ring, by the way.)
Take two: Double Vag #3 delivers as advertised, so seamlessly you really do wonder when they're going to go for triple. (Or for that matter, a triple double, to borrow the b-ball lingo.) Sure, there's no doubt the women are a little put out, and the formally speaking the intercourse is a little sloppy and relatively static. And you get the feeling that for a little while after filming, the boyfriends and bathroom paramours will feel as if they're tossing their hot dog down a hallway. Still, these are professionals--it's either Crissy Cums (pic) or Delilah Strong (pic) who welcomes us to her latest X2V--and the main attraction's a bit anticlimactic. Endearingly trashy Joselyn Pink (pic) gets a little cheated, being asked how she gives BJs, then having to do it exactly as she described (“Slowly at first,” etc.), and having her solo bit chopped into a distracting, pointless montage. Keeani Lei (pic, and 'cause she's so fine, another pic), some otherworldly combination of gorgeous and cute, gets the space she needs, and I actually found myself engrossed in her hand-lick-panty-pull masturbation, never the action I skip to. Finally, Kapri Styles--the foxy young lady who charmingly wrote, in response to my creampies column, “As for the comment directed too the movie let off in me by black ice, I would have too say starring in the movie was off freewill it was my decsion and I'm of age just because internals doesn't get the cum out of u it does for others!!!!” (here's her pic)--gives a typically spirited performance which most certainly did get the cum out of me. But Ms. Styles, can you tell me how to get the cum out of my jeans?
New York Knicks vs. Washington Wizards
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Seton Hall Pirates Womens Basketball vs. Providence Womens Basketball
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New Jersey Devils vs. Montreal Canadiens
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You fools haven't been sending me any DVDs. If I have to keep shoplifting them, you're only going to see reviews of flicks from the discount box that sits by the front door of my local DVD/deli shop.
Here's my address:
Johnny Maldoro The Village Voice 36 Cooper Square NYC, NY 10003
Thanks for your continued efforts to get written up in this column!
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