God Takes on Illinois

For He so loved the GOP, He sent Alan Keyes to Chicago

You may think it's hyperbolic that say that Alan Keyes makes John Ashcroft sound reasonable. But Keyes's publicly proclaimed religious views are so far out of this world that he's perpetually stuck in orbit around, say, Uranus.

Ashcroft and Keyes are both simply divine, but Ashcroft saves his best stuff for private sermons to his choir—see, for example, this Easter egg laid by Ashcroft that I dug up a couple of years ago.

Keyes, now the GOP candidate for U.S. Senate in Illinois, is unabashed, fear-mongering against gays, abortion, the society's general "moral" breakdown. Too bad Mencken's not around to appreciate the bunkum. And Keyes should serve a purpose for the GOP this fall: Every right-wing evangelical Christian within the sound of his voice will flock to him. He won't beat Barack Obama, but maybe Keyes will do Bush some good in Illinois by getting the religious right to the polls.

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Until he ran the 700 miles from D.C. to Chicago to enter the race against Obama, Keyes's latest scheme was to run a marathon on the Lord's behalf.

And why? "As the radical left's attacks on traditional marriage, the Pledge of Allegiance, the Ten Commandments, and the Boy Scouts have intensified, Alan's heart has become increasingly convicted that people of faith MUST act boldly."

Fondly recalling the huge, ominous Washington for Jesus rally in April 1980 (which featured such luminaries as Jerry Falwell), Keyes's website proclaims, "Today, like 1980, the problem of evil is again very great, and spiritually the nation is struggling against assaults and ungodliness at home and abroad. Alan Keyes deeply believes that we must once again call upon God for His mercy, and repent as a nation—'If My people who are called by My name, will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and heal their land. (II Chronicles 7:14).' "

Consult the "Checklist of Alan Keyes' Views" to see whether you stand with Him. Keyes is proud to count himself against "the homosexual rights agenda" and in favor of "eliminating disincentives to free enterprise." Abortion makes his mouth foam like the Pacific Ocean off Santa Barbara after an oil spill.

The more you read Keyes, the more you're convinced that the "My name" and the "Him" he keeps talking about refer to Keyes himself.

Mainstream press accounts (like this Washington Post story of August 8) don't quite capture him. Just go to his website. It's the gift that never stops gabbing. Like this C-SPAN interview in 1999, when Keyes was running for president:

Q: Ambassador Alan Keyes, what, in your own estimation, is the likelihood that you will be President of the United States?

A: Oh, I have no idea. I think that that will depend entirely on the heart of the American people over the course of the next few months, and the effectiveness with which we are able to get the message of moral renewal to people at the grassroots.

Known as a good speaker and armed with a Harvard degree, this guy certainly doesn't lack confidence. Take his "Strategic Plan to Renew America." Just a simple little thing that goes like this: "A plan for building a grassroots movement that will return America to its founding vision, with Ambassador Alan Keyes the chief spokesman."

Didn't Patrick Stewart get rid of all the Borgs?

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