Gym Cruising Etiquette: My Essential Guide

I've been to a gym all of three times in my entire life--all in the previous century--unless you count various parties that have been held there, in which case I've been to a gym 10 times.

And as such an incredibly avid workout creature, I happen to know the rules of how to cruise at the gym and get the very best results.

I mean those who can't, teach.

And so:

*Don't cruise someone while they're agonizing over a routine. They're focused on their machine, they're dripping with body fluids, and they're feeling more than a little bit self conscious. That's hardly the time to ogle. What are you, the type that stares at car wrecks? Wait till they're looking calm and collected and able to handle the attention. And make sure you're in the same state yourself. If you cruise them when you look like a dishrag, they'll feel sick and will hardly return the favor. No one looks at a car wreck with desire.

*Only chat them up when they're taking time off their session to head for a drink or some other diversion. (Approaching them by the lockers is usually a good idea. That's potential social time.) Corner them with some casual compliment like, "Looking good" or "You're really developing." Stroking the ego can lead to stroking other things.

*As for steam room and shower etiquette, go by the reputation of the gym and what you've been witnessing in those places. If it's an uptight establishment that just happens to have body parts flapping around, then shut your mouth and eyes and concentrate on your own privates. But if it's a notorious cruise hole, then go ahead--but do so subtly, so your eyes are more suggestively sexy than wolflike.

*Never just flat out grab someone unless you want to be in The Enquirer. Make sure there's some flirting first.

*Let your towel drop ever so slightly, like the gentleman in the photo obviously did. You'll look very Dorothy Lamour, and just the hint of peach fuzz will prove so tantalizing you're guaranteed a first date.

And now, I've gotten myself so hot and bothered I might actually head out to the gym for an 11th time.

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