Handjobs: The New Anal Creampies!

Many of the things I enjoy seeing portrayed in porn--beyond-sloppy blowjobs, tasteless roleplay, moresomes, facials, the thing where muscle-y guys 69 a chick by holding her upside down--don't appeal to me in real life. And while dropping that girl I 69'd in college didn't help, it's not that I have a mental block, or that there are necessarily any practical barriers. I'm just not that much of a freak. The handjob is exceptional in this way--the ones I enjoy watching look an awful lot like the ones I enjoy getting. Of course, it's tough to embellish--lube it up, tug it off. Maybe put it between your breasts. Technical jargon aside, you can't much improve on it because for the man it is, in essence, the pinnacle of masturbation, the closest you can come to sex without actually having it. Which means, I suppose, that it's no less perverse or narcissistic than most porn tropes. So in light of this--and the spirited defense of backdoor milk deliveries posted to my entry on same--I hereby designate handjobs the new anal creampies, and dedicate this column to Jack Abramoff, who I hope, in the interest of full disclosure, drops the “abram.”

You would think that, HJ's being little more than a higher form of pulling one's own pud, movies depicting them would wind up hopelessly attenuated--meta-masturbation. P.O.V. Handjobs proves that there's a spring to their self-reflexivity. "Interactive" porno--where you watch women perform from the man's perspective, the guy literally out of the picture--always seemed ridiculous to me. (Though I do remember, early in adolescence, jerking off to a Monty Python skit that hilariously employed this trick.) But here it makes sense--it's naturalistic, in that the women are clearly interacting with the men, not pretending to stroke you remotely, and yet it's easy for you to pretend she's maintaining eye contact and rooting for you to squirt. And in so far as it's possible for them to embellish, these ladies do. Each of them waits a little while before removing their top, making a little ceremony out of it, and a few get totally nude. And yet they've still got tricks up their sleeves. Harmony, who emerges in a curve-accenting ruffled two piece, friendly eyes aglow, leg hiked up onto the table, rubs it in between her neatly trimmed lips. Bobbi Blair, who resembles a younger Tera Patrick, gets up on the bed and shows off her ass, holding the dick close to her cooing mouth; little Kay does something similar, without bringing anything too close to her braces.

Ultimately, it's about bedside (and tableside) manner. And a nice pair doesn't hurt either. Haley Paige (pic) has both, and as she kneels before you, that perverse narc narcissism feels something like innocence. Jay Star, meanwhile, looks innocent pulling down her tube top with her left hand while gripping the dick in her right. The same can hardly be said of Mr. Jack Off.

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