Hey, Oscar Winners! Here Are Some Speeches You Should Avoid

The Oscars are this Sunday and I'm trembling with anticipation but a little queasy, knowing that certain acceptance speech patterns will surely crop up on the telecast along with bad surgery and uneven bosoms.

In case it's not too late to avert them--the speeches, that is--the nominees should read the following list of pitfalls and avoid them all as if they were sequels!

*A lengthy, tedious list of names.

It's generally a rattling off of people no one's heard of, done to pay back favors the winner is really not that grateful for since deep down they believe they did it all themselves. They should just send a card instead. And if they avoid names completely, there's less chance someone will be left out--like their husband.

*A patronizing flowing of praise toward the four losers.

You know: "Meryl Streep, you're a damned good actress. Don't worry, things will pick up for you. Quivenzhane Wallis, your body of work is astounding. Emmanuelle Riva, you've got a really bright future..." Ugh. Avoid this trap. I know you may mean well, but you come off like a smug oaf who's rubbing in your victory as the camera captures the four losers' horrified fake smiles.

*The fake surprise routine.

"OMG! I can't believe this! I had no idea! This is unbelievable! Wow, wow, wow!" Even though you've won every single award before this and were at the top of every single pundit's predictions. "I simply don't know what to say!" you gush. Then you pull out a long, pre-written speech that you've rehearsed for three months. Can it, babe.

*Crying hysterically, then saying "This is for all the little people out there. The ones who've dreamed they could amount to something. This proves that dreams do come true!"

It's just too grand, too condescending, and too much of a performance. Whenever I see this kind of phony-assed speech, I want to run there and slap the person, rip the award out of their hands, and toss it to the four losers--or maybe to one of the little people out there.

*Thanking God.

Please. No one who makes it to the Oscar podium believes in God.

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