Hot Gossip Topics: Natalie Portman's Dancing, Lindsay's Name, Liz's Will....

Hot Gossip Topics: Natalie Portman's Dancing, Lindsay's Name, Liz's Will....

They all came up at Daniel Nardicio's "Sh*t Show" last night at Bowery Poetry Club, where I gleefully addressed them all as a gossipy guest star.

Here are the topics, followed by my educated stabs at responses to them:

1--Natalie Portman didn't do most of her dancing in 'Black Swan', according to her body double. The director counters that she did 90% of it and the double was used just as a fallback.

Well, Don Ameche won the Oscar for performing a breakdance that he actually didn't do. Movies are about illusion, editing, and making you believe in unreal things. Still, I refuse to believe this is another Flashdance, with a fake "Maniac". I'm going to believe Natalie did every plie if it kills me. Otherwise, Oscar messed up again.

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2--Lindsay one name.

Well, if your father was Michael Lohan, wouldn't you drop your surname? Especially if you could at the same time enter the glamorous world of Cher, Madonna, and Tiffany?

3--Victoria Jackson's homophobic comments.

Victoria who? Oh, yeah, the woman who briefly became famous thanks to Toonces the cat. Why has Glee become every loser's excuse to unleash their horrid homophobia? Hey, Vicki. Sliming the gays isn't the same as sliming Christians who slimed the gays first!

4--Liz Taylor left all her dough to AIDS charities.

I'm speechless with admiration. Even in death she's paving the way.

5--Rebecca Black's "Friday".

You know, the video that's gotten over 64 million clicks because it's the worst thing since organic pizza? I should make something so awful! Rebecca's obviously some kind of genius to capture the world's attention like this! But she should wipe that shit eating grin off her face. It's not "fun, fun, fun..."

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