How Do You Know When Someone's Insufferably Pretentious?

Easy!

It's when they say any or all of the following utterances, especially to your face:

"I've been to Jacob's Pillow for 32 seasons in a row--and I'm not even sure if it still exists, actually."

"Just saw the backwards reading of Crime and Punishment done by dyslexic aborigines. The last 17 hours were magnificent!"

"Have you seen the [blah blah] exhibit at the [blah blah] gallery? You simply must run up there and catch a glimpse. It will redefine your entire view of [blah blah]'s work and, more importantly, her life force. Yes, he's a she now."

"I spent the whole day looking for sustainable, organic, whole food, and finally scored some green tea burgers with dried seaweed fries. Only $29.99 a pound! A real NYC find! And it makes great potting soil."

"You haven't been to Sleep No More???? It's so shattering I had to go back eight times just to catch my breath. I even had to cancel my subscription to the Plucked Eyebrows Film Festival in Bushwick because I was so consumed with Sleep No More. How can you not have seen it? Are you even cognizant of your humanness?"

"Porn has gotten way too common for my taste. It used to be the provenance of the truly sexual, but nowadays it's just an obligatory wank-off session, done for the public's consumption simply because it's there and ready to absorb. Give me an Oliver Stone film without the sound any time."


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