How to Shoot Your Own Weird Asian Fetish Porn!

If you've got stained sweatpants, a digital camera, and a smaller-than-average penis, you too can make a movie like Asian Mouth Club #3 (Madness). I don't have any of those exact things, as the unknown actor-director does, but I'm tempted myself. Not because this is a great movie--though it has its moments--but because it really just comes down to cute Asian chicks dressing up and giving you blowjobs in the comfort of your own home. It's like those fliers in Spanish that promise $5,000 month working 20 hours a week out of your house--who's not interested? But paying cute Asian chicks to blow you under the pretense of making a porno isn't a scam or a pyramid scheme, it's just good sense. Ordering a hooker or even a call girl out of the Voice just isn't the same as owning a legitimate skin flick business. You can write it off for Christ's sake! (A little tax-time humor for ya there.) Anyway, here's the step-by-step guide to making your very own Asian Mouth Club-style jack piece.

1. Come Up With a Title It should lead people who order the DVD over the Internet to believe that this is a genuine Japanese import. Fuck with the syntax, use an awkward phrase, simply list various fetishes--it should sound poorly translated. Here's some freebies: Feeling Good Ass Punch; Semen It Is Where?!; Naked Executive Swimming Suit; Lesbian Penis Big Boobies Instructor; Sad Exciting Gymnastics; Fetish Special Lactate Freely; Indecent Forever Twins!!!!; etc. Or just make it Japanese: Ashikoki Gokkun Tekoki Gansha.

2. Find Willing Asian Chicks It seems he probably just used an agency and pretended these girls were off the street (of Asia, very exotic out there I hear), but somehow or another dude recruited a nice line-up of wholesome looking Asian chicks: Kina Kai (pic); Taya Cruz (pic); Destiny, who briefly pees through fancy panties, always nice, and while nude in a shower; and your favorite and mine, or perhaps just mine, Loni (pic), who holds the camera and assists, in the movie's most professional role (weirdly relegated to DVD extras), with the getting off of our dude.

3. Have Willing Asian Chicks Wear Schoolgirl Outfits, Answer Sexually Suggestive but Inane Questions, and Blow and Possibly Ride You As If They've Never Done Any Such Thing Before. Perhaps Have Them Smoke a Cigarette. Keep it as amateurish as possible. Ask her to check and see what's in your pants, that sort of thing. Magical things can happen: One of the ladies, with cum dribbling out of her mouth, picks up a beer she'd been drinking (Sapporo, natch) and sips from it, the same way you'd sip from your drink when there's a lull in the conversation during an awkward date, except she's swirling beer and cum in an unexpected--and unexpectedly hot--perversion of the typical lingering money shot.

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4. Really Really Really Enjoy Your Orgasm and Afterglow Wow this guy's really having a time of it. He's practically singing to himself. He can hardly believe his luck--he strokes her as if to confirm that she's really there, and the contact sends a little shiver through his pudgy body. He just about weeps when the aforementioned girl picks up the Sapporo. I'd go right for the snowball.

5. Launder Sweatpants. Start Over. Congratulations, you're a scumbag.

 


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