Theater tickets? For me?
There's a Sarah Silverman bit I enjoy wherein Ms. Silverman relates viewing a pornographic film starring Ron Jeremy and wondering why Mr. Jeremy masturbates with his pinkie finger outstretched. And then she realizes, it's because he's so classy. Equally classy: I've just received a press release announcing that all those who have not yet experienced the joys of sexual intercourse will be admitted free to the play "My First Time" on July 12. Not only that, but a lie detector test will be administered to determine the real virgins from all those insidious fake virgins. So if you've merely had vaginal rejuvenation surgery, no free ticket for you, alas.
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