Johnny Answers Hard Readers' Questions!

I'm sometimes asked who I think reads this column. No expert on demographics or reading, I usually shrug, then ask the Voice management consultants to unclamp my nipples. Still, I'm told I've provided answers under torture: frustrated porn Googlers; people who find Dan Savage too thoughtful and informative; my dad; and your mom. Now that you can post comments about DP (Dirty Pornos, that is. Though I suppose double-penetration would not be off-topic), I've waited with equal parts excitement and apprehension to see who comes out of the woodiework. So far, an unprecedented two people have posted comments. In case you missed them:

I LIKE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN SO MUCH Posted by: shahbandar3 at December 9, 2005 05:44 PM (In response to Special Victims Unit!)

Hey Johnny, As "alternative" as Suicide Girls and Burning Angel are supposed to be, they are still pretty darn white. In fact, they are less inclusive than Playboy! Can you explain this? I've seen plenty of hot Latina (lots!), Asian and Black punkettes, ravers (I'm one!) cyber chicks and other tattoed hotties. What gives?! Posted by: Lemure at December 12, 2005 12:30 PM (In response to Resurrection--From the Dead!)

Shahbandar3--THANKS FOR WRITING. I like beautiful women so much, too. Lemure--You make a very good point. And so I'm devoting today's post to exploring your question. First, let's sample some newer titles available on Wanted List, the Netflix of porn, in the black, Asian, and Latin categories.

Black In addition to Sherlock Homie and Blister That Sister, we find:

Ghetto Booty #10 Description: "We've got lots of Red Bones to jump on your bones, but what ever you like, pull out that magic stick, cause you gotta nasty dime piece to fuck."

Under Pimp Arrest "Big pimpin' takes center stage as Big Daddy (Mr. Johnson) has money on his mind and his bitches in line. Hang with real-life pimps from South Central LA, from the time they wake up until the last hours of the night, and see what it be like when a real pimp takes control. Black is beautiful as sexy whores throw down with a ghetto fuck-a-thon of phat asses, juicy pussies, bad ass blowjobs and graphic anal sex. Fo' real, you've never seen anything like this shit before!"

Yep. Kinda racist. Moving on . . .

Asian There's Sucky Sucky Me Fucky Fucky, Asian Mouth Club! #2, and:

Dim Sum Ass #2 "Hungry for a little slant eyed sushi? Fresh Asian ass is on the menu today and is sure to satisfy your appetite for yellow tail. Pint sized dumplings straight out of Hong Kong offer up their golden bao buns for a Pacific rimming and posterior porking. Snack sized sphincters are stretched to the maximum as they are stuffed full of beefy meatsticks. Starved for more? Order up the final course, a sticky, sweet, load of creamofsumyoung guy which is gulped, gargled and swallowed down. Good to the last drop!"

Wow. OK. No mention of sideways pussies, so it's almost progressive.

Latin We've got Cockomole and Mami Culo Grande, which, if I remember my training for the Spanish SAT II, translates as "Mommy Big Ass." Also:

Chicks & Salsa #2 "Salsa chicks love sucking and fucking dicks. These guacamole eating whores love to get fucked in their front and back doors. They are pure Latin bitches who want to get plastered with your hot liquid riches. So give yourself a treat and dip your meat in these 'CHICKS & SALSA!!!'"

Mexicunts "Some girls will do anything for a green card! Six red hot chili twats are wet, wild and ready to get their little pink tacos stuffed full of hard cock, swallow gallons of hot sticky cum, and get their assholes pounded and stretched into wind howling Mexi-gapes. These hardcore Latin sluts won't stop fucking and sucking until every last drop of jizz is up their sweet puckering culos and dripping down their faces like cream margaritas. So grab hold of your chili pepper and get ready for some serious south of the border slut fucking action!"

I gratuitously reprint all these to demonstrate the porn industry's hubris. Few people, I'm guessing, find such descriptions funny, never mind hot. We're just willing to look past all the racist clichés when we're in need of stroke material. The alt porn makers, eager to distinguish themselves from the Valleyites, fall into a larger trap. They think they know their demographic--young white nerds--and so unimaginatively serve up only white chicks with tattoos, glasses, and Mexi-gapes . . . er, strike that last one. Of the alt porn available on Wanted List (there's just a handful, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha . . . hahahahahahahahahaha . . . hehehe . . . heh . .. ahhhh . . .), only two flicks seem to feature women of color--Kill Girl Kill (Mya Rose, who I did not mention in my review) and Kill Girl Kill #2 (Yumi Lee). And unlike Mya, Yumi doesn't even have any tattoos. Searches for "tattoo," "rave," and "punk" turned up very few movies, and, overwhelmingly, white starlets. (The "cyber" results were all "interactive" crap porns, the type where you select the act and watch it from the first-person POV. I'll have sex when I want to experience that, thank you very much.) The moral of the story? The industry has its head up its own gape, as usual. If only porn's great white hopes weren't quite so you-know-what.

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