Johnny's Biggest Turn-Ons!

As I've said, vignettes--stories that bridge reality and fantasy--make for the best porn. Done right, they're a big turn-on. Here are some of my other turn-ons:

Women who are taller than me Big butts Big tits Small tits no bra Small butt no panties Long luxurious hair Sass Freckles (especially on Asian women) Brazilian-waxed privates Women in dresses riding bikes with baskets Manicured nails (especially with glued-on decorations) Kinda weird faces (pic; pic; pic at bottom of page) One-piece bathing suits (especially still wet after a dip) Feminists Crooked teeth Super-tight jeans Scrubbed clean hip hop chicks with perfect makeup, hair pulled tightly back, and bright, color-coordinated outfits Pierced nipples, for some reason Faint little mustaches women don't bother to bleach Drummers

Here are some turn-offs:

Thongs (especially showing above pants) Very tired joggers Muscly women Australian accents (although I love the Australian people, despite the fact that as a country they're radically conservative) Fake tits Shoulder pads Jock boyfriends

Of course, I could still easily be turned on by any of the things in list two. (In fact, reading them again, I'm getting kind of hot.) Bet Your Ass (Evil Angel) should theoretically turn me on, since it's a series of vignettes. And it does star Katja Kassin (pic), one of porn's most confident performers, an Eastern European with almost shocking ass-ets. But mini-narratives are tricky, just as good short stories are tough to write. The ones featured here seem more like a good-natured attempt to put some effort into the moviemaking rather than carefully aimed attempts at teasing out the turn-ons that lurk in everyday life. It's respectable, but respectable doesn't cut it. Katja's setup is by far the most interesting. Clad in some bikini like lingerie, she stands in a kitchen scooping cookie dough onto a sheet. She then puts this in the oven, licks the oven door, shows off her ass, and sticks a whisk deep into her pretty little butthole (handle first). Then, as she's pulling the cookies out of the oven, a guy comes in, they tenderly feed each other, and he gives her a savage reaming. It is a picture of domestic bliss. It is also a little boring (though I appreciated her use of the whisk. If she makes him an omelette afterwards, we don't see it). I imagine this scene's best use would be to convince your home-and-hearth-tending spouse that no-holds-barred ass-slammings are a natural part of family life.

I'm not sure what the purpose of these other scenes would be. Katrina Kraven (pic) plays a model. The man photographing her winds up shooting more than pictures, of course, and while the sex is decidedly raw--including a face-fuck that brings even this dirtiest of alt-type chicks to the brink of utter, eyes-rolling-back-in-head exhaustion, her face coated with spit and mascara--the spark's just not there. In fact, the vignette extinguishes it--I'd rather just acknowledge that Katrina Kraven's getting wretched with a stunt cock. Porn stars pushing themselves to extremes, nothing more, nothing less, is a turn-on. Sandra Romain (pic) and Dillan Lauren (pic) simply bone (separately) some guy in a nice apartment, one of them after playing cards with him (not even strip poker). I imagined they were yuppie couples spending a quiet night in, which didn't do much for me. Haley Paige (pic), a quiet, impressively breasted talent, gets the worst “plot” of all: After fondling herself in a mirror, she dons a black cocktail dress and strides into a large, marble-floored room where a man waits with an uzi. She immediately kicks her dress off and gives him deliberate head; he pounds her butt like he's at the firing range. Gotta admit, I like the use of foreshadowing.

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