Friday, June 27, 2008 at 8:38 a.m.
Yee-haw! Led by Scalia, Supreme Court overturns gun ban.
That sound of gunfire you hear isn't coming from Iraq, for a change. It's from right here in the U.S. of A., celebrating the Supreme Court's monumental decision overturning a D.C. handgun ban.
Used to peppering our backsides with buckshot, Dick Cheney's hunting partner, Justice Antonin Scalia, aimed his pistol at us and issued this opinion:
"That dang ol' gun law is his-tor-ee, I tell you what. They cain't be tellin' us that we cain't shoot nothin'. Shee-it. We got our rights. These dogs will
hunt. And nobody better come to my house to tell me I cain't.
"Hey, Bubba, gimme that bottle of Jack over there. Y'all, we'll finish this shit off, fire up the pickup, and go get us some duck. I bet them birds never seen a pistol before. Joe Bob, tell Cheney to get his ass out of the crapper. We need to git goin'!
"Damn it, Bubba, I tol' you to gimme that bottle of Jack! Give it here!"
His actual opinion on behalf of the majority went like this:
"We are aware of the problem of handgun violence in this country, and we take seriously the concerns raised by the many amici who believe that prohibition of handgun ownership is a solution. The Constitution leaves the District of Columbia a variety of tools for combating that problem, including some measures regulating handguns. . . .
"But the enshrinement of constitutional rights necessarily takes certain policy choices off the table. These include the absolute prohibition of handguns held and used for self-defense in the home.
"Undoubtedly some think that the Second Amendment is outmoded in a society where our standing army is the pride of our Nation, where well-trained police forces provide personal security, and where gun violence is a serious problem. That is perhaps debatable, but what is not debatable is that it is not the role of this Court to pronounce the Second Amendment extinct.
Hey, somebody's knockin' at the door — Jimbo, throw me my pistol. I'll go see who it is.