Kid Rock, Scott Stapp Sex Tape!

Heh. Hehehe. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Here are some things this tape could, but does not, include: Sheryl Crow, former Kid Rock paramour, taking all glorious five inches of Mr. Rock's instrument down her golden throat; Megalomaniac Christian Scott Stapp, formerly of rock behemoths Creed, taking all glorious five inches of Mr. Rock's instrument down his golden throat; Rock affectionately rubbing Stapp's bare chest and nuzzling his shoulder; a pack of roadies masturbating onto an oversized chocolate-chip cookie, and Stapp and Rock taking turns nibbling on the sperm-soaked cookie and giggling; Rock searching for his ringing cell phone inside the vaginas of various blushing groupies; a cheerful Paris Hilton bringing in bags of fast food so everyone can take a break ands chat; Rock searching for his ringing cell phone inside his own vagina; Stapp spraying his laughing, perky assistant's face with cum and shouting in a mock hillbilly-retard accent, "Look, I'm Dick Cheney!"; Rock fucking the little pellet holes in the face of the guy shot by Dick Cheney; Pamela Anderson reciting her version of "The Aristocrats" while shitting an undigested Italian grinder onto Rock's chest while he fellates David Allen Coe and jerks off Chuck D, who repeatedly slaps him in the face; and finally, Stapp saying the Our Father while curled in the lap of an elderly nun who has exposed her breasts. I'd go on, but Bob Saget's lawyer just called.

Actually, one of all of these things may happen on this tape (which I believe was shot a few years back, when they still had groupies hahahahaha and will soon be released by Red Light District, the visionaries who brought us 1 Night in Paris, whose sequel, 1 Month With Gonorrhea, is expected soon hahahahaha)--I've only seen the preview. I always thought groupie sex was wild and drunken, but on this tape it looks tame and awkward. The guys stand around a group of fake-titted overly-friendly sluts like caterers; Rock, whose real name is Robert Ritchie extends his hand and says, "Hi, I'm Bob." A slut asks Bob how he is, and when he responds, she says, "You are good." Rock's not even dressed as a pimp or anything. The only other thing worth reporting is Stapp getting head and saying, "Hey--it's good to be the king" and Rock confirming that this statement is, in fact, "funny." And then he teabags him.

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