Lindsay Lohan Will Surely Die!

Gosh, I hate to drum up a title as sensationally tacky as that one, but let's get serious: That's exactly what's going to happen unless Lindsay's warring parents take some extreme measures and try to belatedly convince the young tabloid star that they actually care about her as a human being.

The father, especially, needs to stop promoting himself at the expense of his daughter, all while pretending he's helping her get well. Hey, dad, how about not trying to shop tapes of Lindsay to the media, while vigorously thumping your bible and preaching God's good works?

And Mom, let's avoid any more reality shows in which you try to push your other sibling into the same glitzy cesspool you Mama-Rosed Lindsay into. And stop battling for Lindsay in public! Prove your parental chops in person and that might make her feel less like a pawn for your own quashed show biz dreams.

Only if she's loved and appreciated--by the people around her, not by the masses--will Lindsay avoid a Michael Jackson-like demise based on an absence of personal mooring. Otherwise, this will turn into a hideous waiting game.

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So can we make a deal? How about if neither of you does another interview or appearance, except to run to Lindsay's side, tell her you love her (as a person, whether she's famous or not), and will be there for her in private through all time, regardless of your differences with each other?

Do it fast before she gets the restraining order.

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