Meg White, Sarah Silverman, and Other Newbies!

With all that's going on in the world, is it wrong to spend hours out of every week watching pornography? Is it even worse to then spend minutes writing about it? What about the half hour I just spent looking up pics of Sarah Silverman and Meg White while trying to think of what to say next?

Yes . . . Meg White . . . What about . . . Mmmmmmm . . .

. . .

OK. We all know what I've done for these last seven minutes is wrong. Well, it's not like I didn't do it right, but you know what I'm getting at. Let's just move on to Dirty Little Vixens (1st Strike). Here's a video that flirts with the wrong but somehow stays in the right. Allow me to substitute some convoluted commentary for a clear explanation. We're promised "young teens garbed in their first set of lingerie." Let's leave aside the fact that if they are actually young teens, and not older, legal-type teens, then this flick is wronger than . . . well, this. Now try and leave aside that image. Done? No? OK, take your time.

. . .

I really hope you weren't doing what I think you were doing.

The barely but clearly legals in Dirty Little Vixens may or may not be garbed in their first sets of lingerie. They're probably wearing underwear for the first time in some while, I'll give 'em that. I'd like to see a casting-couch movie where shy young women are brought in wearing street clothes and asked to change into lingerie, which they awkwardly put on, as if they've never worn it before, then provide an affidavit saying they've never done anything slutty before in their lives, except maybe on prom night, when they couldn't really go home and she had to blow Jimmy inside of his IROC, but this is not that movie.

But these aren't exactly porn stars: their teeth aren't perfect, and a couple of them are plus-sized--though you couldn't classify them as "chubby" (code for obese, this being the hyperbolic world of porn) either, which puts them in the rarified world of hotly, realistically round starlets like Loni. They also seem to still be getting used to the kind of gonzo sex that involves ass-licking and laying back on beds to let giggity-giggitying Quagmire-types pump pricks down their throats. (There's no better evidence of their newbie-ness than the difficulty I've had finding pics of the starlets. You unimaginative jackals will just have to keep reading.)

The totally uninteresting Joelean hosts. She conducts interviews Jessica Simpson would be ashamed of--"Tell me what you're doing here," she requests of Sierra Sinn, who has a massive fleshy dildo crammed into her vag--and masturbates unconvincingly, not to mention distractingly, in the background of the scenes. The good-as-newbies do well for themselves, soaping up in the shower, sucking the scum out of a condom (which thankfully we don't have to watch someone actually use; it just appears), and resembling Meadow Soprano, but the porn star among them, wicked pixie Sierra Sinn, puts in the best performance, issuing spunky demands when not giving sloppy brain to her partner, who wears a paper bag over his head. Me, I prefer to stick my noggin in the sand.


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