Men Hung Like Grizzly Bears!

After I complete this post, I'm going to have one of the Tofutti Chocolate Fudge Treats that's sitting in my freezer, but although it will be the same delectable snack as always, I won't enjoy gobbling it down as much as normally do, because I will be thinking of Jaguar and Gigantua's ridiculously massive black cocks. (It doesn't help that unlike other pops, the Tofutti treats tend to quickly get soft at room tempature, giving them an oddly flesh-like quality.) I have never seen anything like Black Monster Dicks Fucking White Chicks (Pariah) before, unless you count Das Boot (it's about a submarine. Filled with seamen). How big are these two men's penises? You've heard the phrase, a baby's arm holding an apple? Think Shaq's arm gripping a basketball. Or click here. Or here. Fuck it, check out Goldie Coxx posed with 'em. Or Natalee Long getting probed by one. (Here's Hollie Stevens, right before she slides one of them in the gap between her two front teeth.)

This movie immediately raises two questions: Are the penises real? And why would a guy be interested in porn that's so clearly about dick and not pussy? (Not long after starting this column, I learned not to mention anything specifically male in the headlines--fewer people would click on it online.) I don't know the answer to either of these questions. But I can give the first one a solid "maybe." They certainly look real, leaving aside the fact that they're inexplicably anchored to humans and not Seabiscuit. And the guys do drop trou, although I didn't see any clear shot of their bases. They have to hold them up, but I don't expect 20 inches of dong to stay level no matter how much Viagra's feeding them. But here's the thing that makes me think this monster cock thing is a Bang Bus-style fabrication (which, by the way, I didn't manage to call when I first wrote about the Bus): Sperm. When these guys squirt, it looks like a carton of milk being poured down a drain. It's thin and runny, and there's more of it than comes in a goddamn Big Gulp. It also comes out kinda weird, like somebody's squeezing a pump. (And since when does a big dick mean a big load?) Still, it's quite a show, especially Goldie's scene, where she makes the cutest, wide-eyed-and-horrified faces. The girls chock just trying to get the head in their mouths, and when they're fucked, they squeal like it's a school bus backing into their vag. And as fake as they look, those hedge-fund-manager money-shots are totally fascinating. (I've seen Japanese pornos where women writhe in buckets and buckets of fake jizz that's better textured but not portrayed as real.) Of course, all this reinforces the stereotype of black men as sexual predators--the movie's shot with all white women, and the cover copy uses words like “scary” and “invasion.” Men not only get to identify with this female-endangering dick, they're simultaneously able to distance themselves from the whoever's wielding it. No one said it was White Chicks.

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