Morning Report 1/12/05
Yo-ga! Yo-ga! Yo-ga!

How to survive the inaugural

U.S. soldiers doing yoga exercises in Iraq. Who's responsible for this Commie perversion of our troops? You would think that Don Rumsfeld and Bush's other viziers would nip this in the bud. (DOD photo)

Like the eager young Jedi Dak, you tell the wise Yoda, "Right now I feel like I could take on the whole Empire myself."

Yoda replies: "Ready are you? What know you of ready?"

Question good that is, Yoda. The coronation of George W. Bush is rapidly approaching—the American empire's next officially scheduled hysteric moment is January 20.

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But maybe what we need is not Yoda but yoga.

So forget about that puppet from the fictional Star Wars and that other puppet from the real-life Star Wars whose inauguration is nearing. Try to forget Camp Delta (the prison at Guantánamo Bay), and try to remember the Delta House—"Yo-ga! Yo-ga! Yo-ga!"

Focus on yourselves, inner American children, with the help of Bush Beat reader Paul VanDeCarr, who sends to us from San Francisco his Yoga for the Next Four Years: A Special Inauguration Session. As eager as any Jedi knight, VanDeCarr writes: "I thought of the Voice because, well, because I dig you!"

If you have any questions for VanDeCarr, contact him at paulvdc@hotmail.com.

For now, grab your mat and assume the position—yeah, that's it, like an Abu Ghraib prisoner. Paul VanDeCarr is gonna take you to shanti town:

    Sitting comfortably on your mat, legs folded, with your hands on your knees. Close your eyes, and center yourself. Ujai breath, ocean breath. Om.

    Leave behind the troubles of the season—Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, touch-screen voting machines, Ohio. Don't think about where these things have brought us today, to a second term of George W. Bush! Do you understand me!!!?! QUIET THE MIND!!!!

    Breathing deeper now. Keep refocusing on the breath, take advantage of the relatively clean air while we've still got it. We're going to do a special series of poses today for the second term of the Bush administration.

    One. Let's start in Downward Facing Donkey, hands and feet planted on the ground, tailbone in the air, head hanging down deferentially. This is a resting pose. It's one we'll be seeing a lot of in Congress over the next four years, so get used to it.

    Two. Next is Virabhadrasana, or Warrior pose. An especially good pose to practice if you're of draft age. If you're lucky, you'll get some armor to protect yourself when it comes time to really practice this pose.

    Three. The pen is mightier than the AK-47! Let's all move into Krugmanasana, or Fight the Right pose, writing hand gripping an imaginary pen to compose a powerful screed. You may be feeling a boiling sensation in your blood. If not, you will soon enough.

    Four. For those of you who have brought your prop brick, hold it in your raised hand for this next pose. For the rest of you, just grab whatever is available. This is called Riotasana. Fierce yoga!

    Five. Now, Arrestasana pose. Standing up, chest forward, hands behind your back with fingers interlaced. If you're straining yourself here, well, tough.

    Six. Next let's go to Kramyuintoavanaya, crouching slightly with your body gathered into itself. Here especially, remember to keep breathing.

    Seven. This may be a new pose for some of you, Sitinjailonyourasana. Sit on the floor, legs drawn in to your chest.

    Eight. A nice pose for release is Leavemealonewilya. From the previous pose, just roll onto your side, curling yourself into a ball. Also works great for a hangover.

    Gently returning now to a sitting position, tailbone firmly on the ground, hands on your knees. Eyes closed. Ujai breath into Bush's second term.

    Repeat these poses as necessary. Om! Repeat after me, Om shanti shanti shanti om.

    Namaste.

You said it, brother.

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