MTV's Video Music Awards Had Me Gaga

Every year, MTV pretends it's still a music channel and gives awards to the videos it shows in the middle of the night between NyQuil commercials.

Fortunately, the VMAs are riveting nonetheless, the entire community assembling to lip-synch a song and screech out an acceptance speech.

Rather than have a toast to the douchebags, let's offer some serious observations about last night's telecast:

*Rihanna performed with and even hugged Eminem? Get her back to Chris Brown. She'll be in safer hands.

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*Justin Bieber is a triple threat. He can't sing, dance, or play drums. But he combs forward really well!

*Lady Gaga started the show all decked out in a glorified peacock outfit? But one of Katy Perry's big songs happens to be "Peacock"! Wasn't Gaga beating Katy in every category enough of a bitchslap?

*Gaga ended up in a butcher-bought, high-fashion meat dress? Was this another jab at Katy, who after has all admitted that she'd love to be a vegetarian but she'd rather not give up chicken?

*Didn't we only watch the show because we assumed Gaga would be performing? WTF? And don't tell me "Her makeup-threatening tear as she valiantly accepted Video of the Year was her performance!"

*What on earth is a Florence and the Machine? Mama like.

Ah, hell. Let's have a toast to the douchebags.

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