My Big Fat Porno Wedding!

It's cynical, I know, but I don't find the thought of wedding nights sexy. In all but the most literal sense, I assume it's anti-climactic. Unless you're Britney Spears, you haven't saved yourself for marriage, and suddenly you and the person you've done it with hundreds of times (and that's not counting handjobs) lie in some spinning heart-shaped waterbed equipped with lube dispensers and candy trays thinking, "The shocker, that's special, right? Saw that on an episode of Rescue Me," or, "Maybe now's the time to break the snowball out on him."

Here Cums the Bride (VCA) compiles a buncha scenes from the early '80s on portraying newlyweds, bachelorette partygoers, and women in white gowns stanktifying impromptu unions. There's two possibilities when it comes to porn valley's motivation for humping down the aisle. Either it's meant to service some fetish--the unavailable bride who is either fundamentally pure and wholesome or desperate for one last taste of sweat dropped from the banana hammock of mock firefighter prancing down the stage at Schlong's House of Penis--or the couples market ("Honey, remember our wedding night? Well, it's like that, but without us having to show the blood-stained sheets to you dad. I know, he wasn't interested, but when you married me, you became part of my family and its traditions. Oh, is that right? Fine, I'm going to the basement to work on my model airplanes. And don't let me find out you didn't give junior his nightly ice water enema").

This cross-section, from movies diverse as Butt Detective and Sinfurella, reveals that, as usual, the porn industry has its head up whatever you call that weird puckered slit at the end of your penis (male slot?). I'm not sure what the particular turn-ons here are supposed to be--in one scene, Asia Carrera rides a guy in the desert while he sits facing away from a piano. But certain similarities emerged. Most scenes include a little of the old "cunnilingus," which you can't take for granted in features, and rarely see in gonzo. It even seems gentler than the usual pie chow, which somehow usually resembles some arcane, miniaturized blood sport, and I'm not even talking about earning your wings. (There's hardly any post-sex cuddlingus, however, unless you count penis heads grazing lovingly against cum-splattered body parts. Hey, I usually just pass out!) Cumshots are mostly aimed at the thigh/vagina region, which makes me think wistfully of someday having children of my own.

Some of this, happily and not so, amounted to unclassifiable: two scenes from separate movies in the venerable Café Flesh series (set in a post-apocalyptic time when sex is performed in clubs. May we never see the day!), one featuring a prickly cactus as a conceptual dildo, the other a FMMM fourway starring presidents Lincoln, Nixon, and possibly Washington; a solo guttermouth bride, presumably left at the altar, apparently taking all comers; and, best of all, bride-and-groom figurines atop a cake coming to life, and--spoiler alert--performing cunnilingus on one another. The hottest scene, lifted from the '80s-era Bachelorette Party, blends realism and fantasy like Ferris Bueller's Day Off. A wifey-to-be brushes her hair and slowly puts on her stockings and wedding dress. Her girlfriend comes in to see how she looks, they giggle about the hub-to-be's sex prowess (wifey has held out, how nice), then, as a last fling, they make beautiful love right there in the bedroom. Unlike Brokeback Mountain, we know the lesbo action is a remnant of childhood, and childhood friendship. How many pornos can you call bittersweet and shoot your salt to at the same time?


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