Plans are moving apace to purposely set up a "toxic bank" full of poisonous assets to further bail out those banks that had greedily and recklessly accumulated them.
Call it Shitibank. And give it the naming rights to the new baseball stadium for the New York Mets, taking the moniker away from toxic Citibank.
No joke. As Ground Zero reminds us of 9/11, ShitiField would serve as a monument to the global financial meltdown caused by New Yorkers. ShitiField would remind us to burst any future Wall Street bubbles before they blow up in our faces.
And, once the toxic bank is up and running, we proles can move our non-existent pension money to it. But don't count on driving a new Nissan to the new bank: Even if you could afford to buy one, Nissan can't afford to keep its factories open to manufacture one.
What's really going to happen this week sounds just as far-fetched, but it's not: Many investors on Wall Street don't want the market to recover. They want it to hit bottom so they can start buying shares and companies again.
Bigwig Ray Dalio of the hedge fund Bridgewater Associates tells Barron's:
"Buying equities and taking on those risks in late 2009, or more likely 2010, will be a great move because equities will be much cheaper than now. It is going to be a buying opportunity of the century."
Meanwhile, corporate welfare is humming along, as government's sudden socialists are coming to the rescue of capitalism. Heartwarming, especially for the likes of Nissan, which, as the Wall Street Journal reports, plans to "seek government assistance from Japan, the U.S. and elsewhere."
And now the rescue plan for America calls for a combination of the toxic bank and encouragement by the government for hedge funds to profit from the grief by expanding their investments (instead of the government's clawing back ill-gained profits from hedge funds). And don't worry about Wall Street's top execs: All the scoldings by President Barack Obama won't stop them from making their big bucks. See? The free-market system does work.
At least we know that defense contractors will make it through the depression in good shape. Bibi Netanyahu is about to reclaim control of Israel, and that will signal that, as the BBC reports, "Israel is shifting to the right" and, as the Daily News says, "a harder line is coming with Israel's Arab neighbors."
Could the line get any harder, you ask?
While you're investing in weapons makers or just waiting to pour your money back into the market or snap up some ailing companies, click on these...
NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
Seeking Alpha: 'U.S. Government vs. the Stock Market'
This week we'll see a knock-down, drag-out battle between Obama, Geithner and the Senate who want to keep the market from falling, and the market itself which wants to drop precipitously.
Gawker: 'Top Five Kellogg's Recipes For Stoners'
As Seth Meyers
pointed out on Saturday Night Live
, Kellogg Company's image is closer to that of bong-smoking Olympian Michael Phelps
than the cereal maker likes to admit.
Kellogg's Keebler Elves, after all, "live together in a treehouse and do nothing all day but think of new things to put cheese on."
N.Y. Times: 'U.S. Bank Bailout to Rely in Part on Private Money'
Wall Street helped produce the global financial and economic crisis. Now, as the Obama administration prepares to unveil a revised bailout plan for the banking system, policy makers hope Wall Street can be part of the solution.
Administration officials said the plan to be announced Tuesday was likely to depend in part on the willingness of private investors other than banks — like hedge funds, private equity funds and perhaps even insurance companies -- to buy the contaminating assets that wiped out the capital of many banks.
N.Y. Times: 'Applications Surge at Cooper Union'
For many high school seniors who are applying to college in the midst of an economic meltdown, Cooper Union's commitment to full scholarships -- regardless of need -- has given the institution an almost mythic allure....
While many of the nation's elite colleges underwrite the education of poor students, Cooper is among a handful of private colleges that are tuition-free for everyone (it does not, however, pay for room and board, though financial aid is available for living expenses).
Newsday: 'Explore LI: Pamper your pooch'
Wall Street Journal: 'Bailout Revamp Could Use Private Bank for Bad Assets'
Seeking Alpha: 'Investors Staying Away from Banks; Gold Attempts to Break Downtrend'
Another Bank Bailout: On Monday, Treasury Secretary Geithner is due to announce the next phase in a long series of government bailouts for banks. The leaks about the plan thus far have indicated a hybrid approach using elements of a "bad bank" and more government guarantees on bank assets. The price action of Bank of America and Citigroup does not inspire confidence in the market's reaction to previously announced government guarantees of toxic bank assets.
If the regulators hope to bring stability to the markets, they might want to consider leaving the rules unchanged for more than two weeks at a time.
N.Y. Times: 'Leader of Afghanistan Finds Himself Hero No More'
Fox: 'Australian PM: "It's Mass Murder"'
Officials believe arson may be behind nation's worst-ever wildfires as entire towns burn.
Wall Street Journal: 'Bank Bailout Plan Revamped'
Geithner is considering a plan to help purge banks of their bad bets by partnering with the private sector to buy troubled assets.
N.Y. Post: 'E. HARLEM FIRE DEATH'
A 21-year-old autistic man perished and his grandmother was left fighting for her life as flames engulfed their 17th-floor East Harlem apartment yesterday morning, police said.
Forbes: 'Nissan To Ax 20,000 After Loss Warning'
Wall Street Journal: 'Saks Upended Luxury Market'
Saks' decision to cut prices by 70% on designer clothes in mid-November set off a domino effect in the luxury goods business.
Fox: 'Stimulus Plan Includes Billions for Colleges and Students'
The stimulus plan emerging in Washington could offer an unprecedented, multibillion-dollar boost in financial help for college students trying to pursue a degree while they ride out the recession.
N.Y. Times: 'In Congress, Aides Start to Map Talks on Stimulus'
N.Y. Daily News: 'One BIG question remains: Who ratted out Alex Rodriguez?'
N.Y. Daily News: 'Netanyahu: the Golan Heights 'will remain in our hands'
Former Prime Minister Benjamin (Bibi) Netanyahu, who is poised to be swept back into power Monday, declared Sunday he would not give up the strategic Golan Heights, signaling a harder line is coming with Israel's Arab neighbors.
Fox: 'Octuplets' Grandmother Calls Daughter's Actions 'Unconscionable"'
N.Y. Post: ''ROID-RIGUEZ IN HALL OF SHAME: TOOK 2 DRUGS THEN GOT TIPPED OFF TO MLB TESTS'
N.Y. Daily News: 'GOP's losses just might save party, says Lazio'
Bloomberg: 'MGM Doubles Down on Lobbying as U.S. Senators Work on Stimulus Measure'
Casino operator MGM Mirage says a tax break for forgiven debt is a good way for Congress to stimulate the U.S. economy; Granite Construction Inc. favors more money for roads and bridges; General Motors Corp. wants incentives for car buyers.
Jewish Daily Forward: 'Jewish Charities Look to Stimulus Bill To Stave Off Cuts'
Onion: 'Per Tradition, Ex-Presidents Watch Obamas Christen White House Bed'
Crain's New York Business: 'Parents question mayor's math'
Critics are skeptical of gains cited by school officials at an Assembly hearing Friday on whether mayoral control of the school system should continue.
Wall Street Journal: 'U.S. Weighs Fed Program to Loosen Lending'
The Obama administration is considering turning to a new program run by the Fed that depends heavily on hedge funds to jump-start the financial system.
N.Y. Daily News: 'Mike to GOP: Miss me, baby?'
Mayor Bloomberg came to a Queens banquet hall Sunday like a man looking to woo a lover he once spurned, sweet-talking a roomful of Republicans to take him back. It didn't work.
N.Y. Times: '2008 Taxes: Big changes may come in expanded tax breaks to the less wealthy'
CNN: 'Man, 47, marries girl, 8'
The debate over the controversial practice of child marriage in Saudi Arabia was pushed back into the spotlight this week, with the kingdom's top cleric saying that it's OK for girls as young as 10 to wed.
"It is incorrect to say that it's not permitted to marry off girls who are 15 and younger," Sheikh Abdul Aziz Al-Sheikh, the kingdom's grand mufti, said in remarks quoted Wednesday in the regional Al-Hayat newspaper. "A girl aged 10 or 12 can be married. Those who think she's too young are wrong and they are being unfair to her."...
Late last month, a Saudi judge refused to annul the marriage of an 8-year-old girl to a 47-year-old man.
The judge, Sheikh Habib Abdallah al-Habib, rejected a petition from the girl's mother, whose lawyer said the marriage was arranged by her father to settle a debt with "a close friend." The judge required the girl's husband to sign a pledge that he would not have sex with her until she reaches puberty.
Wall Street Journal: 'Pay Collars Won't Hold Back Wall Street's Big Dogs'
While a pay cap for financial executives punishes yesterday's fools, it may inadvertently create tomorrow's culprits.
N.Y. Post: 'RAGING PENSION FIRE'
More than 70 percent of firefighters who retired in the past five years did so on disabilities - hiking the cost of taxpayer-funded FDNY pensions to nearly $1 billion a year, a Post analysis shows. At the same time, a rise in final-year overtime racked up by firefighters - even those retiring on disabilities - has boosted pension costs...
N.Y. Daily News: 'Bloody mob chop shop could become school bus depot'
N.Y. Post: '3 DEAD IN BLOODY UPPER WEST SIDE SLAY-SUICIDE'
Wall Street Journal: 'Soaring Job Losses Drive Stimulus Deal'
Bloomberg: 'U.S. Said to Hire N.Y. Bankruptcy Lawyers to Advise on Automakers' Bailout'
A law firm with bankruptcy expertise, three capital-markets lawyers and an investment bank are advising the U.S. government on how to restructure General Motors Corp. and Chrysler LLC, two people involved in the work said.
New Yorker: 'Can We Transform the Auto-Industrial Society?'
The present and impending disorder of the automobile companies is a reminder, even more than the decline of the housing and banking industries, of the desolation of the Great Depression. It is a reminder, too, of economic history, or of the rise and decline of industrial destinies.
N.Y. Daily News: 'Final nails in coffin for city welfare burial fund'
Wall Street Journal: 'Railing Against the Rich: A Great American Tradition'
The Great Depression of the 1930s created hardship and suffering among millions of Americans. It also created populist resentment of elites. Among the many signs of this anger was the astonishing popularity of Huey P. Long, governor of Louisiana and then U.S. senator, a figure so dominant in his own state that his enemies called him a dictator. But to the ordinary people of Louisiana -- and later to millions of ordinary people across the U.S. -- Mr. Long was a heroic figure, fighting for the "common man" and challenging the right of elites to monopolize power and wealth....
Crain's New York Business: 'NYC, London vie for the bottom'
Bloomberg: 'Fed Calls Emergency Consultants to Triage and Treat AIG, Stricken Markets'
Every Sunday night, New York bankruptcy lawyer Marshall Huebner spends a 13-hour shift on call as an emergency medical technician. His day job involves work on another sort of rescue: The government's $152.5 billion bailout of American International Group Inc.
Wall Street Journal: 'Summers Crafts Broad Role in Reshaping Economy'
Onion: 'Liberals Horrified By Lack Of Inexperience Among Obama Appointees'
Bloomberg: 'Notre Dame Cathedral, Louis XIV Chateau Reap Bonanza From France's Crisis'
For Paris's Notre Dame Cathedral, the economic crisis is turning into manna from heaven.
Bloomberg: 'India Bucks Global Auto Trend After Rate Cuts Spur Record Sales at Suzuki'
After six months of deliberating whether to buy a car, Mumbai real-estate agent Abraham Mathew took out a 300,000 rupee ($6,200) loan to buy a Suzuki Motor Corp. sedan. The clincher: a 20 percent drop in interest rates.
IRIN: 'Homeless Gazans struggle to find shelter'