Nutty Biker Porn!

OK, so I'm watching a rerun of The Simple Life. (Hey! I'm not a loser with nothing else going on--there's also a neighborhood Rottweiler licking the peanut butter off my dick.) Nicole (pic) and Paris (pic) are staying with a “biker” family, and the family's biker friends have just rumbled up for a biker outing to find the girls (I've recently tried to avoid referring to women as girls, but I'll make an exception for these sluts) dressed in biker outfits. Were this genuine entertainment, of course, the bikers would dismount, take the girls back into their little trailer, and biker bang the living daylights out of 'em. That would be hot. But let's be realistic: Wouldn't it be hotter to see Dana Vespoli (pic) and Julie Knight (pic), two deep-throat professionals (or as Cam'ron would call them for short, DTP's), get the living daylights biker banged out of them?

That's exactly what Motorcross DP (1st Strike) promises. Here's the catch: It's inspired by motorcross riders, not real tattoos-and-wings, stomp-out-a-gonzo-journalist's-teeth Hell's Angels. Who gives a fuck about motorcross? Sure, it's white trash and all, but there's nothing badass/sexually menacing about racing dirt bikes, despite their loud engines. Even crotch rockets would be better--don't Asian gangsters ride those? It's pretty obvious the concept only came about because somebody has a homey with a dirt bike repair shop. But at least the setting's realistic. And Dana, although not porn's best actress-qua-actress, does a decent job in her scene as the shop's proprietor. Business is slow; she walks around in zippered mini-top, mini-bottom and mega boots, showing off her seemingly much skinnier body and bizarre new tats (which include five lines of writing that run the entire length of the inside of her upper arm, very Memento). Like the tats fine, can't say I'm especially psyched about the weight loss, but it's her life to live (very Vivre sa Vie). In any case, she's looking less cosmopolitan model and more insane-in-the-membrane sex predator. But I'm losing the rote plot-rehash thread: She sashays and exposes herself, then two guys come in. Immediately she's gushing--apparently they're famous motorcross racers (which is kind of like being a famous coal mine bin, but I digress). She asks for their autographs; “I'll suck your dicks . . . I'll let you fuck me in the ass!” And it's on to the wobbly H. (No Eiffel Tower though, surprising considering that they're jock buddies.) Dana's her usual insatiable self, lunging and grabbing, and 1st Strike's not altogether bad looking studs keep feeding it to her without too much fuss. The scene got my motor running and took me across the finish line, if you catch my drift. I jerked off and came, is what I'm getting at. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm borrowing this bit from the Family Guy sailor character who keeps saying the same thing different ways in that one episode.

Later, either Brandi Lyons (pic) or Nicki Hunter (pic) plays a girlfriend who gets her boyfriend out of paying off a bet in the shop; I did not feel this hewed closely enough to the motorcross theme, and so I denounce it. Julie Knight's scene had an absurd flavor that I appreciated, however. She sits and masturbates intensely; a guy rolls into the shop (on a crotch rocket--continuity alert!) and eyes her with some employee who is not Dana Vespoli. The two men just sort of shrug and fuck her face, and later, other orifices. In a word: Racy!


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