Porn's Biggest Scumbags!

In a time when Reuters busts out the term "extreme anal" and anyone old enough to operate a mouse can find examples of said extreme action--and will in fact be inundated by it if they look at web porn at all--it seems clear that the scumbags attendant to skindustry have sprung a collective leak that's seeping ever more thoroughly into mainstream culture, visibly warping it like wet floorboard under bathroom tiles. Cool, right? I'm all for the upbringing-on television profiles of Jenna Jameson and the AVN awards coverage that might someday evolve into criticism. And frankly I doubt kids are naïve enough to watch throat-scraping blowjobs and expect that's how they're normally done. (Then again, for years I was convinced that this was missionary position.) Insert quote about light vanquishing evil &tc. But porn contains multitudes, true scumbags among them (and I'm not referring to fancy flick's rubbers). These are their stories.

But first, a word on this series' topic-inspiring movies, Scum Bags (DNA) and Rough It Up! (Swank). The copy accompanying Rough It Up! reads, "They [starlets? women in general? puppies?] love tough guys who know how to rough them up . . . Bruise these bitches and pound them hard. They always come for more!" This promised to be a heartwarming date movie in the mold of Wedding Crashers, but it turned out to be a pretty standard but kinda hot decent-quality gonzo--no rougher than peach fuzz. Well, maybe daddy's beard: there's fucking in a stairwell, an experience I would not characterize as "smooth," and during a BJ the guy loosely draws a belt around the woman's neck. And I'm pretty sure I saw and possibly masturbated to an MMF double-team involving a bunched-up denim skirt. I'll merely call this one scuzzy, due to the way it's advertised. God knows where Scum Bags got its title (and if he's Catholic, I'm sure he has feelings of shame associated with this knowledge)--there's not a jimmy hat in sight, and the movie's so innocuous, peopled with medium sleazes, that I fell asleep while making love to the couch.

I'll save my description of the one surprising scene Scum Bags for part two of my scumbag series. In this installment, we introduce a scumbag so scumbaggy I must devote the entire post to him. Put on your goggles before continuing.

Max Hardcore At 2004's AVN awards host Jim Norton said, "The first time I saw a Max Hardcore film, I didn't know whether to jerk off or call the cops!" A typical description of one of the many trailers on his site reads, "I audition a new model, but she's too fat, so I make her puke-up all the piss I pump down her throat, after fucking ass & fisting cunt!" The picture shows her on her knees in front of a large bowl, three of MC's fingers shoved deep into her mouth. The most disturbing porn I've seen--and I've watched my share of staged kidnap gorn--shows a woman sobbing through his usual no-holds-barred humiliation. (It also shows a short interview afterwards, where, completely composed, she vows never to do a scene with him again.) Watch just one of his entire movies, as I have, and you see how quickly his shockporn becomes rote. All his scenes feature super skinny, petite actresses slathered in makeup and dressed like neon-dipped, super-slut schoolgirls--so far, so good--who usually refer to him as "mister" and often say something along the lines of, "Look daddy, aren't you proud of me?" while taking it in the ass. In the course of a scene he'll sometimes draw crude circles around their sets of lips, in what seems like a bizarre allusion to blackface minstrelsy. In every scene he'll gag girls from above while they lie, often writhing and arching their backs desperately, on a couch. The anal is the centerpiece, but he'll also incorporate pissing, puking, fisting, smoking, slapping, gyno spreaders, tubes, and, of course, lots of verbal humiliation. All this while wearing a cowboy hat. He's probably a fucking Republican.

Stay tuned for Porn's Biggest Scumbags Part 2: Electric Boogaloo!, where I'll spelunk the bowels of the Internet in search of men too disgusting to be called douchebags!

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