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Exclusive: David Lee Roth's Letter to the Staff of the Howard Stern Radio Show
posted: 5:00 PM, October 26, 2005
KING OF ALL RIFFS
Riff Raff Classified Documents Series, #4 To: Staff of the Howard Stern Radio Show Dear Staff, By now you've heard that I, David Lee Roth, have been appointed Howard Stern's successor for the Howard Stern Radio Show. Maybe some of you read about it in the papers; others of you may have just seen me renovating Stern's office, replacing his furniture with six Marshall stack amps I like to call my "musical desk," and his iMac with a collection of vintage guitars I plan on assembling into the shape of the internet. How can I get on the internet, you ask, without the use of a "computer mouse"? Hey, here's a question for you: Who thought of calling that thing a mouse anyway, am I right? What's next, younger men having sex with older women and posting their exploits on websites? I bet they call it a mouse because it looks like a mouse. All I'm saying is: You have nothing to worry about with me, and things aren't going to change at all. I may not be the King of All Media, but I am the King of Allmusic. Take a look at that website and type in "David Lee Roth"--yeah that's right, I've influenced over ten different bands. And after several hours of discussing this with some EMT friends of mine, I've even decided to keep calling the show the "Howard Stern Radio Show." I know that sounds incredibly modest, especially after considering several fantastic suggestions, including " The Howard Stern Radio Show presented by David Lee Roth," the "David Lee Rothio Show," and my personal favorite, "Diamond Dave's Diamondz." The "diamondz" would have referred to the high quality conversations I would have with guests on the show. But let's just keep "Diamond Dave's Diamondz," which I would have nicknamed "D-cubed," to ourselves. Diamonds, as they say, are forever, just like the original name of this show. But will the Howard Stern Radio Show remain as provocative? Can DLR--that's me--KIT--that's "keep it titty"--? Well I'll admit I'm not as interested in women having sex with other women as Mr. Stern was--in fact, I didn't even realize this was a thing people could do. But I'll try my best here. Instead of people calling in and making orgasm sounds on the phone, maybe now we'll also talk to them about the real issues--about how orgasms are destroying our country. Instead of Jerry Seinfeld coming on the show and us ridiculing him mercilessly, maybe we'll let him tell us a few jokes--maybe I still think that guy's pretty goddamn hilarious. Maybe instead of lesbians who make out with other lesbians (again, wow--fucking wow), we'll have the two Van Halen brothers in the office, bickering like they always fucking do, and I'll get angry and try kill one of them. If none of that works, we have a secret weapon: Sammy "the Jokeman" Hagar. I've seen this guy say things backstage that were so funny he should have been arrested. Need some evidence? Here's a joke he wrote especially for this letter: A man walks into bar and looks at the jukebox--all the records in it are by Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers. "Hey," he says, "Do you have any other records besides Tom Petty in this jukebox?" "No," said the bartender. "It's a jewkebox." --by Sammy Hagar Most people don't know that Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers were Jewish. But have no fear. This transition's going to be painfree. It's not like I'm going to say "Jump!" and you're gonna say "How high?" If anything, it's going to be me saying "Jamie's crying," and you're gonna say, "whah whuuuuh"--but in a funny guitar voice. See you December! David Lee Roth 
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Comments
What a WASTE
HOWARD RULES
and David Roth Knows it
Posted by: bobb at October 26, 2005 8:55 PM
Dave's Letter to the Staff of Stern is Awesome. An introduction to his "schtick". Can't wait to hear the ORIGINAL ONE & ONLY VH Frontman ........DAVE ROCKS OUR WORLD and HE'LL SHO'NUFF ROCK YOURS AS WELL with his opinions, comedy and being the well read, well versed Entertainer that he is !!! LISTEN IN & In the famous line from Gypsy Rose Lee's song....."LET DAVE ENTERTAIN YOU" and "WE'LL HAVE A REAL GOOD TIME, YES SIR !"
Leave the "King of Media" title to Stern, David Lee Roth is the "King of COOL". Best of Luck Dave, as you add a new chapter to "Crazy from the Heat" on your new endeavor and adventure.
XOXO, Bunnie
Posted by: Bunnie Antonelli at October 26, 2005 10:18 PM
Well, replacing one jerk with another is only preferable when it's with David Lee Roth. Ok, I admit that sometimes Howard is funny, but mostly he is so much like an impotent voyeur that it is just dull, sleazy and boring.
Three cheers for DLR!
Posted by: Rage at October 27, 2005 4:11 AM
Congrats Dave! Maybe there'll be some fresh air on commercial radio now. Howard's been stale for 10 years now, and getting his ass handed to him on a daily basis by Opie & Anthony over at XM. Diamond Dave will inject a little thought into the morning drive. Ever read his book? The man's amazing.
Can't wait to hear him.
Posted by: Alan D'Angelo at October 27, 2005 9:43 AM
Hey Howard rules and Diamond Dave is one of my musical heros. Dave please have Borgo Pass on the show we laying down the rock they way the VH masters taught us from days past. Show your love!!!!!!!!!Lord strike that poor boy down!!!!
Thanks Jimmy
www.borgopass.com
www.myspace.com/borgopass
Posted by: Jimmy at October 27, 2005 9:49 AM
Is this for real?
Either DLR has lost whatever "sanity" he had left(leaving Van Halen to do cheesy psuedo Vegas pop ='s insane) or this is a pathetic attempt at a joke on all Stern fans...
Either way, David Lee Roth was the only lead singer of Van Halen and Howard Stern is the only morning show man for me...*and 18 million+ listeners..
Posted by: sternlover at October 27, 2005 10:02 AM
The return of the greatest frontman EVER in rock...DLR! It's about time!
Posted by: Bilvis at October 27, 2005 10:37 AM
David Lee Roth needed someone to give him a break and FINALLY he has his own show. I use to love to watch his videos like CALIFORNIA GIRLS and always knew his day would come ! Congrads Dave !
Posted by: Karenann Fega at October 27, 2005 10:58 AM
thank god i have sirius.
Posted by: jake40minutebreak at October 27, 2005 11:27 AM
Let's understand. Howard will always hold a special place in the hearts of radio listeners, and his legend will continue to grow as he moves on to his new venture.
However, I for one, am as excited as can be to welcome a shining paragon of world-class entertainment to my morning Philadelphia drive. The opportunity to have the Toastmaster General kick a little wizdom on a daily basis is one I will surely cash in on. Hopefully, he will bring the midgets and swords with him for added fun.
Break a leg? Don't think so, break theirs, Dave!
Posted by: Mike Barley at October 27, 2005 11:54 AM
cool,
now i can listen to morning radddio again on wbcn in bossssston!!!!!!!!can't stand HOWARD same shit different day!maybe dave will turn out to flop.But lets give it a chance!!
the ice cream man
Posted by: TIM at October 27, 2005 12:25 PM
Our good friend Dave made it
but he made it big !
a big hand for sure diamond dave !!!!
Posted by: Turner at October 27, 2005 12:35 PM
nice fake letter. F stern and roth. bring on adam.
Posted by: dankstarr at October 27, 2005 12:43 PM
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! Someone has finally answered my prayers and brought me the one and only KING OF ROCK 'N ROLL; the toastmaster general; the lyrical genius that is David Lee Roth, brought him to me 5 days a week! I feel like I won the lottery! Dave, you fucking shine like the superstar that you are and kick all of their asses. Don't listen to what the mindless cattle say - just be Dave and it'll all be good! "Lounging on the Riviera; Riviera couch that is..." I mean, that's lyrical genius!
Posted by: Lori (Dave Junkie) at October 27, 2005 1:24 PM
What a joke, just by reading the letter alone I can tell Dave will have one hell of an uphill battle to win ratings.
Posted by: Sheamus at October 27, 2005 1:49 PM
I am so excited about this that I can barely sit still. David is awesome and there is no doubt in my mind that he can do this. He doesn't need our approval to try new things. He does it because he wants to. That's all the reason he needs. LOVED hearing him guest host for a week on a Boston radio station this summer. No one can replace Howard Stern and be like Howard Stern and this is not the issue. David is his own person. I love him forever. Go, David!!!!
Posted by: Dinah Finley at October 27, 2005 3:40 PM
Wow, just when I thought this show couldn't suck any more.... another loser walks in. Bob & Tom ROCK!!!!! And Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers are not jewish.. dumb fuck!
Posted by: POOP POOPERSON at October 27, 2005 3:55 PM
Yep. He's toast.
Posted by: bob at October 27, 2005 4:14 PM
This letter is fake.
Posted by: mark at October 27, 2005 4:58 PM
David Lee Roth is gonna do a great job!
But noone can ever replace Phil Hendrie!!!!!!
Good Luck Dave!
JB
Posted by: Johnny Beane at October 27, 2005 6:01 PM
I am 99.9% sure that this column is supposed to be FUNNY -- that Nick Sylvester wrote it, PRETENDING to be David Lee Roth for humorous purposes.
Unfortunately, it appears that readers (at least on the website) aren't taking it as such
Posted by: Kurt at October 27, 2005 6:08 PM
From the front man of V.H. to a "DJ". Man that must just SUCK!!!. As for the King, well it can only get better....GOOD LUCK HOWARD, SEE YOU OVER IN THE NEW RELM...
Posted by: at October 27, 2005 7:20 PM
that was one of worst things i have ever read in my life! David Lee Roth is insane. Keeping the show named "The Howard Stern Show" is rediculous (come up with something original asshole). That letter demonstrated to me that Roth will not be a suitable replacement for a succesful show such as Sterns. Sterns show entertained his listeners by keeping the show fresh and funny using creative angles and radical ideas to give listeners an almost interactive experience involving comedy, serious discussions, news, debates, skits, games, trivia, excellent guests, and the occasional suggestive adult content that Mr. Roth doesnt seem to be very comfortable with(PUSSY). Oh, and that joke was retarded. Even if the entire letter was made as a joke it was still a terrible. David Lee Roth You are a great musician but you SUCK as a comedian so dont try to be one damn it!! I was looking forward to finding out what infinitry broadcasting had planned for Sterns replacement and i would have to say that i am greatly disapointed. Thanks Dave but no thanks!!
Posted by: realdeal4real at October 27, 2005 9:21 PM
Sound like a air waves cleansing. What a bummer ride this has been. It seems like eons since you could get bounced for asking about the airfare into the Washington Bridge. I can't believe those were the good ole days.
Ah the holier than thou cheapskates.
I'll start saving for a really serious satellite radio. Say hi to Robin and the gang.
Posted by: Amy Dorrit![[TypeKey Profile Page]](http://www.villagevoice.com/blogs/riffraff/nav-commenters.gif)
at October 27, 2005 10:55 PM
Good luck to Dave, and his audience comprised of people who don't care anymore what they're listening to. Oh, they'll tune in...then zone out. Terrestrial radio went to the "white noise" format, when The Opie & Anthony Show signed with XM.
Posted by: Rev at October 28, 2005 11:32 AM
Dear David Lee Roth,
Go Away. That is all.
Posted by: prettywheelchair at October 28, 2005 1:05 PM
snake's word from the philly streets is that Roth, in trying to establish a racially diverse audience for his show, shot Cam'ron in each arm, not to jack Killa Cam's ghini (Roth already owns 6000 of them), but merely to earn some much needed street cred. Also the guy at 3rd and Chestnut told me of a mixtape in Roth's future. Supposedly one track, "Uptown Trix," has already been cut. Jeezy n' Pretty Ricky guestin'.
More later on whether Roth leaked the CIA leak story to the AP just to show his new collegues that he is hardly a "diamond in the ruff."
Posted by: JakeTheSnake at October 28, 2005 2:04 PM
Howard's a comedian? yeah right! well he looks like a joke.
DLR will rock the airwaves! Good luck Dave.
Posted by: Slickster at October 28, 2005 3:56 PM
That letter was a fake. But, funny nonetheless. I hope Tampa's radio market gets the show. NYC and the other cities picking up Roth's show are in for a treat. Dave is smart as hell and funny as hell. True, being a rock star is cooler than being a DJ, but Dave is an entertainer either way. And I know his listeners will be entertained. Maybe this will somehow be the catalyst for a VH reunion tour.
Posted by: Mike W at October 28, 2005 4:55 PM
Who ate my last twinkie?
Posted by: Sammy Hagar at October 29, 2005 12:45 AM
Ramooooone.... get me someone with talent!
Opie & Anthony, on XM Satellite Radiooooooo!
Posted by: Rev at October 29, 2005 5:40 PM
howard is our daddy
Posted by: opie at October 29, 2005 9:56 PM
It is a lame joke by a not so talented writer. I don't think Roth who is jewish would comment on Tom Petty in that way. If you think the greatest front man of all time would not use his name brand go back into your cave and don't come out for another 50yrs. There is only one Van Halen and it runs with the devil. Good luck David and push to be on in Chicago.
BP
Posted by: Bill at October 30, 2005 1:50 PM
This is the last time I google "Howard Stern."
Posted by: Christopher Weingarten at October 30, 2005 4:18 PM
I give David Lee's show three months.
Thank god for Satellite radio. The classic rock station here in Phoenix acts like they are doing you a favor by playing 2 songs in a row.
Posted by: J. BLASY at October 30, 2005 5:14 PM
fuckin lame ass dlr/lets get serious!
Posted by: davidloserroth at October 31, 2005 5:13 PM
Hoo hoo, Robin. I invented everything.
O&A Party Rock!
Posted by: Rev at October 31, 2005 5:27 PM
Is anyone even going to listen to David Lee Roth? Is so why?
Posted by: Paul Pastrano at November 3, 2005 12:06 AM
HELLO EVERYBODY!!! ITS TIME FOR DAAAAAAAVE TV!! (or in this case Dave radio)
Posted by: Edward Van Halen at November 3, 2005 10:49 AM
"Is anyone even going to listen to David Lee Roth? Is so why?"
The real question is can anyone here spell.
Posted by: Ralph at November 3, 2005 11:39 AM
ok I think its great that David Lee Roth is taking over the Howard Stern show and even more I think its awesome that he is an EMT. What I would like to know is how to get ahold of him to invite him to our EMT website at emtcity.com
There are over 1000's of emt's and paramedics who would love to talk shop and meet him in our chat room. If anyone can help me out with this please email me at petramala@icehouse.com thanks
Posted by: Angelkiss at November 3, 2005 9:16 PM
Well, You should know that if Howard and Robin leave the air waves you all should just go home and hang yourselves, I would rather listen to the living member from A-HA and side kick Barbara Streisand do the show, aww and hell throw in the lead singer from WASP- you all have a better chance that a snow ball has in HELL!
Posted by: Atomheartretta at November 4, 2005 9:29 AM
David Lee Roth will do a great job. The man is a great entertainer. One of the best concerts I ever went to was The Eat'em and Smile Tour. It was genius. I always thought he had a great voice for Radio. Mazel Tov David!
Allan Sherman Oaks, CA
Posted by: Allan Pohl at November 5, 2005 5:19 AM
I can't wait for David Lee Roth to hit the airwaves on January 3rd. I haven't listened to radio in so long. Now I will be getting up to my Mentor every morning. There is no greater frontman in rock hisory than this man. I've enjoyed listening to Dave's stories over the last 25 years and he is hilarious. I can't think of a better choice; I'm so happy!!! I have to talk to him. My car license plate is V HALEN and I love it!!! I LOVE YOU DAVE!!! Cleveland Rocks!!!
Posted by: Rene Napoli at November 5, 2005 4:35 PM
oh,thats a hell no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: jake robertson at November 6, 2005 10:52 PM
My Man Dave ~ ROCKS!
All the best xo
Posted by: Linnie at November 6, 2005 11:59 PM
let`s get the party started, can`t wait to hear the roth on the radio, and will there be and e show ? let`s hope so. would love to watch dlr`s own show...a roth forum if you will...where`s eddie van halen and his little brother al? what are there thought`s on dave`s new gig...could they be the first people on the show ? i say that would be great to kick it off where they left it... keep rockin dave.... we got your back...a little ain`t enough for me...
Posted by: weesediver at November 9, 2005 8:21 PM
Did anyone know that Stern fans were "Sternly Disciplined" at the Sirius Forum for flaming?? The Stern Forum was locked. The threads are still readable though. Maybe one or two of the worst got deleted.
Posted by: FanTalkBac at November 14, 2005 3:31 AM
http://fantalkback2talkhosts.myfreeforum.org/index.php
I've started a forum for people to discuss talk hosts... I'm hoping people will discuss the ones they actually listen to and leave others they may not agree with alone... The old "if you can't say something nice (or at least in the spirit of constructive criticism), leave it alone deal..." Come visit! Actually, come register and list your web-site. The forum host-site seems to have an anti-spam measure employed where the WWW button doesn't show in the membership list until the user makes a first post. If your favorite host(s) name hasn't been mentioned yet, float a post about them in the General section and see if there are any takers. Hosts who seem to be generating discussion may wind up with their own section.
Any Talk Show Host or staffer who joins using an e-mail connected with the domain of the show's web-site or radio station will be ranked as a V.I.P. (Of course, I'll contact them at that show e-mail to verify the are who they say they are). I guess I could extend the same courtesy to industry reporters too (any that would use their paper's domain).
Posted by: Terry at November 14, 2005 1:01 PM
I am so excited about DLR taking over the radio so show. I have never liked Howard Stern, he has no talent and is obnoxious. My only regret for DLR doing this show is I will no longer be able to see him perform concerts. What a loss to the music industry.
Posted by: jen at November 16, 2005 10:57 AM
i am thrilled to hear that dave is taking over the howard stern show. i can hardly wait! dave is brimming with life, talent, humour and personality, he'll be great! he is multi-talented, big time. good luck, dave!
Posted by: red beret at November 17, 2005 11:45 AM
DIAMOND DAVE IS THE MAN. I CALLED ARE LOCAL STATION HERE IN ROCHESTER AND FOUND OUT THEY WERE HAVING SOME CLOWN DO THE MORNING SHOW. I AM PISSED, AND TOLD THEM IT WAS A BIG MISTAKE NOT HAVING DAVE ON. HE AGREED BUT TOLD ME THERE WAS NOTHING HE COULD DO TO CHANGE IT. GOOD LOUCK TO THE BEST ROCK N ROLL FRONTMAN ON THE PLANET.
Posted by: mike flanagan at December 1, 2005 6:45 PM
Hi Diamond,
I wil find your email address. I will talk to you. I will do EVERYTHING IN MY POWER to hopefully help you to your totally stardom, and the BRING DOWN OF SATELLITE RADIO. _uck them, the cradle will rock, forever!!! You better be ready for the ride of your life!!!!
Posted by: Big Balls at December 27, 2005 11:45 PM
Well Wishing you the best of Luck filling Howards Show Shoes!Honestly I only listened to your show once and personally it was Just as Bad as Howards Phony July 18th2005 show with Billy Mira,(Which was better than yours).Bad radio comedy teams are a dime a dozen here too but regrettably Ive moved to satelite also because of the decline of Entertainment in Fm Radio and the decline of our society By Religious Zealots and the total coruption of our political system not to mention the lack of leadership within the last 5 years and the lack of proper leadership in the next 3 yrs.God save us from Stupidity!!!
Posted by: Mark at January 19, 2006 10:51 AM
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