Sluts Wear Socks During Sex!

I wear socks during sex probably 30 percent of the time. Like leaving the toilet seat up, falling asleep on the couch every night after eight whiskeys, crashing expensive European sports cars, and swallowing lit cigarettes for the amusement of one's friends, socks-sex is a hallmark of male behavior, at least according to comedians and Mad About You (which starred a comedian. Here's another picture of Helen Hunt, this time wearing a wet shirt). But what if the tables were turned? What if women swallowed lit cigarettes and left their socks on during sex instead of men? Interracial Coxxx Soxxx #3 (NJ Films) tackles this--and other--questions. (The other questions are, How do you boil contemporary race relations down to agreeably banal gender psychodrama? and, What's the worst thing you could do to your mom's new couch?)

You're probably asking, What about cumming into socks? This is also a common male behavior, at least among adolescents and those who can't reach the tissues. And indeed, the habit provides the crucial missing link between athlete's foot and jock itch. Thing is, when women cum into footwear, it's usually pantyhose. (More ladylike that way.) So your question is irrelevant. (Ask me about Socks the cat, who lived in the Clinton White House, and you might be onto something.) Moving on, Coxxx Soxxx is a standard interracial gonzo with an inscrutable gimmick. In case you haven't picked up on it yet, the gimmick is the women wear socks. The advantage of this is that the ladies can be, for all intents and purposes, nude while wearing their costume. The socks--all but one set knee-high--may be an artful allusion to the ubiquitous school-girl outfit or the not-so-ubiquitous foot fetish, although that possibility is only taken to its logical conclusion in one scene, where the round-bellied, MILF-looking Laya Layton briefly footjobs her co-star, who spits on his own dick despite the absorptive qualities of Laya's tubes.

But unlike that time a friend left hers in my dorm room, it wasn't the socks I was masturbating to. The videomakers cast some memorable B actresses: the girlishly thin, girlishly sunny Leah Luv (not sure if she's on the left or right side in that pic, so here's another), who wears braces on her considerably crooked teeth; Kemmy, the good-natured, heavily-accented, drool-happy Japanese lady in these stills from Coxxx Soxxx; the glamorous Staci Thorn; and our lone black starlet, the regally-named, sorta classy Olivia Winters (no good pics of her online, so see the dvd cover). Unfortunately, Billy Banks fucks all of 'em but Olivia. While he's reassuringly friendly, inviting one to kick off her platform spikes because they look uncomfortable, then somewhat gently fucking her mouth, he's that most abhorrent of studs--a talker. He ceaselessly expresses his pleasure, which is at best inane, but more often utterly droop-inducing. Next time you're beating it to porn, read my column aloud and you'll see what I mean.

Board Out of Your Minds Another Reader Feedback Update

Just when I start to get cynical, a reader makes my week. In response to A Very Maldoro Christmas! the Italian Princess of Power writes:

"I avoid joining in the prayers because it would be hypocritical, and might hurt baby Jesus." That's wonderful. hahaha! Really speaks to the dirty minded recovering catholic I am. I enjoyed this entry a lot while admittedly usually glossing over your column to persue other parts of The Voice. This seems very inspired, like you just had an epiphany after a break up or something.. Oh well, congrats & cheers. On this, um Feast of the Epiphany as I now realize. Oh yeah, please tell me that you know to google 'baby jesus' & notice the first search result?

Thanks for the pick-me-up, IPP!

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