Tan Mom Was Completely Fried At Xl Last Night!
Burnt offerings: Milan, Bianca, Tanning Mom, Epiphany. Photo: WilsonModels
Patricia Krentcil is the New Jersey lady who became famous when she emerged looking like Al Jolson but denied that her five-year-old had been in the tanning booth too.
Well, as the guest of honor at xl's "Hot Mess" drag revue last night, the infamous Tan Mom set fire to her chances of being an international orator or world-respected idealogue.
True to her nickname, she was totally toasted!
On my arrival, I pounced on T.M. to ask if she liked the gays.
"I like New York," she replied, with a little too much intensity, "but I wouldn't live here. Too packed!"
"But do you like the gays?" I repeated.
"I love the people," she replied, weirdly, as I realized I couldn't possibly crack this nut--her eyes were careening like pinballs through the recreation room of her head--so I simply went into the main room and took my seat.
Come showtime, MC Bianca del Rio brought the baked scandal star out for a grilling--I mean questioning--and it was clear that her mind was even more microwaved than before.
"I don't like that you disrespect me," slurred Tan Mom at Bianca, "and you need to know that I never took my daughter into the tanning salon!"
The woman was pronouncing one syllable at a time, as if swimming through a river of molasses.
She'd been drinking vodka, but was making a bold move to red wine onstage.
Her demeanor was strange for someone so intent on proving she's Mother of the Year.
"My-daughter-was-never-in-the-booth," she repeated blearily, as if speaking a foreign language.
Bianca made some snappy remarks, but Tan Mom wasn't having it.
"I swear I never put my child in the tanning salon!" she chimed in, as if taking the stand in some old Perry Mason episode.
This was becoming a broken, burnt record, and no one knew how in God's name to stop it.
"FUCK YOU!" she suddenly yelled at no one in particular.
The crowd buzzed uncomfortably.
"SHUT UP!" she screeched. "My daughter was never in the..."
Her voice trailed off, and she seemed lost, probably fantasizing that she was in a tanning booth, soaking in lots of fake sun.
Bianca tried to make some more cracks, but Tan Mom wouldn't plug it up.
"Shut up!" she reiterated, less energetically this time, seeming to address the dark brown voices in her head. "My daughter wasn't in the booth!!!"
Bianca and another drag queen stood Tan Mom on her brown feet and escorted her crazy ass off the stage as her eyes popped in confusion.
"She's resting comfortably somewhere far, far away," assured Bianca later on.
Just then I'm pretty sure I heard a beep.
It was the Easy Bake Oven's 15-minute timer.
Group photo: WilsonModels
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