The Worst Kinds of Lovers on Earth

I've had them all, honey, and I've even BEEN them all, so I oughta know. Here are the lowest types of rock-bottom Casanovas and why they suck when they suck:

*The kind that just lay there. Please! If I wanted to have sex alone, I easily could have!

*The ones that have a fetish--say, drinking pee out of your left earlobe--and make you go along with it, to the exclusion of any other activity. You feel like you should have an AFTRA card by the end of it.

*The type that has clearly never heard of foreplay. Wham, band, fuck-you ma'am. You wonder if they even bother to boil a lobster before setting it on the table.

*The ones that need constant validation, as if they're peforming in some kind of kennel show. They'll jerk your business around in such a graceless manner that it almost gets pulled off, and then they'll whimper, "Good, huh?"

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