Threesome How-To 2: Two Chicks, One Dick!

Self-help, home improvement, DIY, auto erotic asphyxiation--Americans want more, bigger, better, and they want Rachel Ray to give it to them. Or at least I do. Last time I checked, my best-read blog post was Threesome How-To: Two Dicks, One Chick! Apparently a lot of you out there want to be prepared for the inevitable, I mean, near impossible. Two chicks, one dick--now there's something you might achieve in your lifetime. The 46-year-old Nina Hartley (pic), who you may remember from my last instructional, is achieving it in her second or third.

In Nina Hartley's Guide to Threesomes: Two Girls & a Guy, Hartley's on familiar ground, getting fucked. But of course, before she gets to that, she walks us through this particular brand of group sex while wearing glasses. Nudging and winking sidekick Nicole Sheridan (pic) cuddles by her side, reading off questions supposedly submitted by viewers. (I have a question: What's the best to get the blood out of your clown suit?) Nina's ideas about sex experimentation are pretty conventional--it's assumed two guys want no contact with each other in a threesome, while the women probably will--but also quite reasonable, and she stresses respecting your partners wishes and all that. When Nicole and Nina finally get down to it--with Nicole's cute and uncut husband “Voodoo” (pic)--her tone hardly changes: she's still chatty and schoolmarmish, but without any real mother-dom edge. And although they pull out the stops, with both ladies taking it in back and Nicole literally screaming as Voodoo slams her ass and Nina holds a vibrator to her clit, the action still has a musty sex-positive feel, as if you're taking instructions from your eccentric, cheery aunt with fake tits (we've all got one, haven't we?). Not to be ungenerous, but she's not quite Frances McDormand in Laurel Canyon.

Which is why, after Voodoo firehouses the ladies' pale asses, Mika Tan (pic--she's on the left) and Shy Love (pic) are brought in to for a more conventional round of hardcore with a guy who plays (possibly in real life) Mika's boyfriend. Mika's hot, Shy's got fakies, they display all the options, great great. I'd actually recommend that couples who were locked in closets as children and find the idea of a threesome intimidatingly exotic and requiring blueprints to either keep having cuddly beautiful sex with each other or skip to this scene and just degrade themselves a bit without fear of anything actually offensive disturbing their pretty little heads. This is basically the cream of couples porn, something any guy could find himself jerking off to.

Finally, an issue raised in my last Hartley post seems to finally have been settled. Here's my most recent update on the situation:

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[Y]ou'll also find a post from the original Violet Blue, apparently some sort of friend of my fellow columnists Rachel Kramer Bussel and Tristan Taormino: "My real, true name is Violet Blue and I am a sex eductaor and widely-published sex author (and have been for eight years); not the outspoken racist porn starlet capitalizing on my name in this article." Why, you're turning Violet, Violet! Seriously, though, I don't see how any upstart could not know who the OG Violet Blue is. Shame on you for stealing that unique porn name! (As to OG Violet's accusation that VB2 is a racist, I cannot speak. I will say this: One of them starred in Adam & Eve/Ultimate's Black in White #2.)

Violet Blue the Porn Star finally responded the other day:

This is the porn performer, not the author. I'd just like to say that I'm very much not a racist. I know Luke and I was getting bored with the interview we were doing and decided to fuck with him. Unfortunatly he put up the whole interview and you can't read sarcasm, so I was miss quoted very badly. I've tryed contacting the author Violet Blue many times via email and thorough friends of friends to let her know that I'm sorry that I picked HER name, but I didn't even know she existed till 2002, when I was already established with that name in porn and couldn't change it. She has said that I didn't start doing porn till 2001, but I started in 2000, a year before her first book (that I could find online) was published. Believe me, if I would have known that there was someone else with that name, I would have picked something else. It would have saved me alot of trouble! Fortunatly for her having the same name as me has made her books sell. Not that they wouldn't if she didn't have that name, but porn travels quicker than books.

Hehehehehe. I'm glad Violet Blue the Porn Star's name has finally been cleared. Violet Blue the Sex Educator, shame on you for unfairly broadsiding VB2!

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