Threesome How-To: Two Dicks, One Chick!

MMF: Male Male Female. It is a portentous acronym, like OPP and STD. When most people think of a threesome--for instance, when Jay-Z, coming home from the club with guests, hopes they'll "ménage before they reach my garage"--they're thinking MFF. There's something unseemly about two dicks and one chick: it's ingrained to think of her as a slut and the guys as gang-banging Hell's Angels. The image that always comes to my mind is of Ralph Cifaretto and friend having their way with a stripper in the nudie bar back-room. When I don't think of my first threesome, that is. (Read about my second here.)

When I was in high school, an open-minded and adventurous girlfriend would speak openly about her interest in free lovin'. One night, I decided to call her on it. Unfortunately, there were only really dudes around. So we went into the woods with my band's drummer and took stripped to underwear. He and I stood there feeling up my girlfriend and studiously avoiding contact with one another; I believe she was hoping we'd start fellating one another, or at least whip each others' butts with towels. Instead, she made like a garbage woman and tugged on our junk for awhile. The we went back inside, blue-balled and red-faced. It was nearly as bad as this threesome.

At 46 years old, proto-Jenna Jameson Nina Hartley, has been around the block and probably into the woods herself. For 20 years, she was married to some guy and a woman named Bobby Lilly, so we know she's got some insight into making the MFF thing work. But what about parking in a two-car garage? Nina Hartley's Guide to Threesomes: Two Guys & a Girl exemplifies the balance Hartley strikes between sex-positive edumacation and hardcore fossil fucking. First she gives a soothing little instructional talk, all cleavage and hip glasses, with a dom-outfitted Nicole Sheridan inserting comments like, "You gotta love nature!" Mostly Hartley seems concerned with just making the whole thing seem normal, like a Tupperware party, or meth tweak session: "Make it party, man! Unplug the phone, lock the doors, send any people away out of the house that need to go." The women could perhaps use a little more instruction--"Don't move too much--you just get to lay back and get fucked!" pretty much covers what's here--and only frat boys, wasted hicks, and the enormously entitled stand to gain much from her guy-directed comments ("Don't be disappointed if the first playdate results in a double blowjob or double handjob").

Still, Hartley's warm fuzzies--best summarized as "sex is important but feelings matter more," her sign-off--are some measure of comfort in the cold, cold world of hot group sex. And we're reminded of their importance when Randy Spears, one of the guys who assists Hartley in demo'ing your typical filling of all holes (anal included), says, a little too randomly, "You tease me too much, I'll just hold you down and fuck you!" That he adds, "with your consent, of course!" a couple beats later only reminds us of how bad porn acting is. The movie's second half, which features hilarious meathead Evan Stone and another guy playing pool and taking on Violet Blue, is MOR hardcore all the way. If there were even a hint that the actors were concerned with STD and OPP, never mind TLC, the realistic tensions would be super h-o-t.

Postscript: Krazee action on the boards! Click here and check out Lemure's update on her plans to diversify the alt porn industry one pic at a time, and a Burning Angel rep's call for more ethnic hotties. Meanwhile, my first post has accumulated some heart-warming welcome-back messages, including one from our dirty old friend Frank.

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