Virginal Newbies Go Extreme!

If you're like me, you're listening to Steely Dan and surfing You Tube for Chinese cell phone commercials to masturbate to. If you're like me, you also skip the tease-strip-interview portion of gonzo scenes. There's a couple reasons for this. First, I can't stand to watch people be embarrassed, embarrass themselves, or generally suffer awkward situations. It's not a moral thing, I just get uncomfortable. Empathetic. Most reality television repulses me. Second, there's usually nothing sexy in these intros: the stripping's 100 percent predictable; the interviews useless at best, typically, or very creepy at worst; and most importantly, nothing's getting poked. It's a nicety in a genre opposed to niceties (like condoms, or decency).

Cum Glazed #4 (Red Light District) may be the first movie that I've ever loved for the filler. I even watched the behind-the-scenes footage--the women bring in their outfits and trying them on for the director, Tim Von Swine, time lapse, wiping the multi-man glaze from their faces--and the “extra pork” bonus scene, which I think get to the heart of what I liked so much about this movie, which by all outward measures is a standard assortment of blowbangs (five-six men on one or two girls). Swine, camera in hand, approaches the big, big breasted Velicity Von, who has just showered and is squatting over her suitcase, putting frilly things away. Hair still wet, wrapped in a towel, Von knows what Swine wants (he is, after all, naked with camera in hand): the director's cut. It seems shady, of course--part of the thrill: I very much identified with being the guy who just watched an entire porno and has chosen who he most wants some action off--though I assume she got her going rate for it and wasn't just doing it to give the guy who hired her his taste. (Presumably that happens off-camera.) Still, it seems spur-of-the-moment, and her game attitude, coupled with her not being made-up (baby oil on her tig-ol's notwithstanding) and him clearly psyched, made what would otherwise have been a typical shallowjob, well, special.

And Von's in excellent company. Allie Ray (pic) bowled me over with giggly spunk, edged with a naturally girly voice, that actually matched her unreal bio: First week in porn, third scene ever, first time with more than two dicks at once (the two came earlier that week, of course), and a virginal slate prior to all that--pre-porn, she'd slept with just two guys. The kind of girl you'd be happy to see with just a man's finger in her mouth. Perhaps most impressive, I skipped to the end of the scene and confirmed that after round-robin facials she still appeared to be on a sugar high. Marquetta Jewel (pic), whose ethnic mix could've stood to be defined (half black, half Filipina?) looks equally as fresh but acts the pro, as forthright as anyone concerning her proclivities, but without seeming boastful or even coquettish, just a young woman who finally commands all the dick she longs for. (Excuse the purple prose, I just find our youth so inspiring.)

Brianna Love (pic) and Jamie Huxley (pic) I spent less time with. Blame Andrea Ash (on her eighth scene) and Valerie Jackson (on her fifth, I think) a pretty sorority-type and tall goth, respectively, who--both possessed of a perk that, bottled, would bring even these guys to attention--meet in the behind-the-scenes footage and agree immediately to fool around as a prelude to the main event. When they do, you can hear exactly how wet they are. A true feast for the senses.

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