'Mini's First Time'
Remember when the presence of Alec Baldwin and Jeff Goldblum was a decent guarantee of a pretty good movie? It's been a while. Here, they both play second fiddle to the omnipresent voiceover narration and bikini-clad bod of Thirteen's Nikki Reed, reprising her shtick as a dangerous delinquent, here determined to undertake as many different first-time experiences as possible, including murder. Reed's Mini is the latchkey kid of Hollywood failures, with a mom (Carrie-Anne Moss, reprising her Chumscrubber role) who drinks herself into oblivion and a stepfather (Baldwin) who hires hookers. When Mini herself turns to tricks, a coincidental meeting turns her stepdad into her lover. Mini is impossible to like, especially since she delivers some of the worst narration ever spoken, and her final lines are like a big middle finger to viewers foolish enough to enjoy the film. Only Goldblum, as a creepy neighbor, commands any attention, with bits that feel like they were completely improvised, or brought in from a different story.
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