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15 Sexual Insights And Lovemaking Technique Tips From Mötley Crüe

Former Jarvis Cocker backup dancer and current Seattle Weekly Dategirl Judy McGuire's new book, The Official Book Of Sex, Drugs, and Rock N' Roll Lists, is rife with lists counting down debauched and out-there moments of —Ozzy Osbourne's health tips, pot-smoking hints from Willie Nelson, marriage tips from Coco, and so on. In advance of tonight's star-studded reading in the book's honor at powerHouse Arena, we present an excerpt where the members of Mötley Crüe offer their indelicate tips on the delicate matter of romance.

15 Sexual Insights And Lovemaking Technique Tips From Mötley Crüe

Music writer Mick Wall once described Mötley Crüe as making Led Zeppelin "look like pussycats." The band has sold millions of records, snorted, smoked, and shot up hundreds of pounds of drugs, and fucked more women than most men will even see fully clothed over their entire lifetime. As Nikki Sixx so wisely put it, "You may as well learn about sex from Mötley Crüe [rather] than your parents—it's a lot more fun."

Dr. Vince Neil, lead singer

1. "We were always fucking other chicks at the studio and backstage... We would take Tommy's van to a restaurant called Noggles to buy these egg burritos and then rub them on our crotches to cover the smell of the girls we had just fucked... we never thought about going into the restroom and just washing our dicks." (Hustler)

2. "Well, sometimes I just want to get back on the tour bus and watch a little Judge Judy. Just relax with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some Judge Judy and that's it, man. Those are some good times." (Vanity Fair, 11/27/2009)

3. "When we were really hard up, Nikki and I would date girls who worked in grocery stores just for the free food. But we always bought our own booze. It was a matter of pride." (The Dirt)

Dr. Tommy Lee, drummer/swordsman

4. "My favorite thing to do when I'm in the southland is to pull my girl's lips all the way back so that her little Gummi Bear just pops out at me. Dude, I love Gummi Bears!"

5. "Let's not forget to drink our pineapple juice every morning either, fellas. A glass a day will do ya—an hour before you get it on is even better. It'll make your cum sweet and your girl will definitely love you for that. That's one for you, ladies!" (Tommyland)

6. [On sobriety.] "You f*ck a lot more too, man. I'm digging that... sometimes I would start hittin' it at noon with a vodka lemonade so by two in morning you're just tired and the last thing you want is to get fucking crazy. So I'm just a lot clearer, fucking hornier. So it's a good thing." (AskMen.com)

7. "We know from SeaWorld's own director of safety (as well as videos on the web) that the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow's vagina filled with hot water... even in my wildest days with Mötley Crüe, I never could've imagined something so sick and twisted." (from an outraged letter to SeaWorld regarding their manual stimulation of Tillikum the killer whale)

 

Mötley Crüe, "Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)"

Dr. Nikki Sixx, bassist

8. Metal Sludge: If you could be a tampon for a celebrity, who would you choose? Nikki: Sophia Loren. (interview with Metal Sludge)

9. "As I get older my eyesight's going bad, I don't know what I'm in for until they come backstage and they're very large with missing teeth. You go to the bigger cities and you get the silicone breasts, the bleach blonde hair and the super skinny tight pants, which is attractive... until they talk." (Clash Music)

10. "It's like a light switch. I'm the only Italian under one inch... You're either a shower or a grower—right? Some guys just pull it out and you're like woah and then it only grows about a half inch. I'm a grower." (interview with Howard Stern)

11. "Sex to me was always about conquest. Girls were a form of entertainment, nothing more, and when heroin came along, it blew them away." (The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star)

12. "Pussy's so boring to me after I've had it—drugs never got boring for me." (When Rock Ruled)

Dr. Mick Mars, guitarist

13. Sexy Crafts Project: "The banner behind us was Nikki or Tommy's unwashed bedsheet, which still had bloodstains on it from girls they had slept with." (The Dirt)

14. "I guess it's like the Rolling Stones and shit. They're all wrinkled up, and they're still walking around with these beautiful girls around them all the time. And these girls that are still coming to our shows aren't the daughters anymore. In fact, they're bringing their daughters now!" (Associated Content)

Honorable Mention from the Peanut Gallery (because it's good advice)

Dr. Donna D'Errico, then-wife of Nikki Sixx

15. "Don't try to reenact a porn movie you saw and start smackin' their asses, thinking you are all studly. It's not a turn-on. What you should do is make sure you know what you're doing while performing cunnilingus. There is nothing worse than a speedy tongue guy. Make sure you're on the right spot and ask questions. Just don't think you're the cunnilingus god while you're down there, and she's up there in hell." (Hustler)

Judy McGuire, Princess Superstar, Rich Juzwiak, Bob Bert, Mike Edison, Erin Bradley, and Eric Davidson celebrate The Official Book of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll Lists with a reading at powerHouse Arena tonight.

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