A List Of Things That One Should Get If One Pays $1500 To See Jay-Z And Kanye West
"I thought you said you'd take me to McDonald's"
Saturday night, after reading a flurry of tweets from Jay-Z and Kanye West's show at the Izod Center, I bought tickets to nosebleed seats for last night's Watch The Throne show at the Garden. It was worth it, thoughespecially since yesterday afternoon, those same tickets cost $350, with a couple of pit seats going for $1500. (Tickets for tonight's show, as of this writing, range from $200 to $15,000, which really puts StubHub's warning that tickets "may be priced above face value" to the test.) Sure, you're dealing with the secondary marketplace here, but since Jay and Kanye are all about the good life, they should be made aware of what would make a $1500 ticket worth it.
An Entrance Involving Live Zoo Animals Jay and 'Ye come out on some giant light-up cubes to start the show. Kind of cool, but kind of boringwhy not have them ride out in gilded chariots pulled by live tigers? Surely they could hire the best trainers in the business to make sure they don't get Siegfrieded, and if they wanted to play it safe, they could get elephants, although the dismount (not to mention the space needed to stow them afterward) might be a little bit of an issue.
Outfits That Maybe Have Holographs Or Do Something Cooler Than Make You Wonder If Kanye Is Wearing Underwear I get it, I get it, they're there to rap. No distractions via outfit changes, etc. etc. But Kanye, if you're going to wear a shirt with your face melded into a tigers face, then go the extra mile and make the shirt holographic. I want to see that Kanye-Cat face projected onto the back of MSG, and maybe have it lip-sync "No Church In The Wild." (If only it could eventually turn into a Patronus and rescue all the drunk girls being escorted out by MSG security, too.) And Jay, if Kanye is going to wear a leather kilt, you should probably step it up a little bit and go for the full leather harness. It would be stylish, and lend itself to some great in-air acrobatic opportunitiesthe Garden hosts the Big Apple Circus, so surely there's some rigging in a closet somewhere.
A Solid Gold Copy Of Watch The Throne Under Every Seat Well, maybe not every seat. But if you paid over a grand, you should get some sort of take-home gift right? I don't know much about the price of gold these days, but I imagine they have the bank accounts to pay for this offering. The one drawback: People could toss their CDs into the crowd during the show. Maybe hand them out as everyone's going home?
More Special Guests I don't mean an increased number of special guests, I just mean people more special than the celebrities that were there. And I don't mean performing, because the way the show is set up, you don't even want any guests onstage messing with the vibe. (Sorry, Beanie.) Last night, Leonardo DiCaprio and Diddy were apparently in attendanceat one point before the show started, the crowd went nuts as Diddy sauntered to his seats. That's kind of coolimagine Diddy in VIP, shilling coconut Ciroc and pineapple juice ("Trust me, Fabolous drinks it")but for $1500 I want some real starpower. I want Obama.
Free Drinks, Preferably Champagne Not Ciroc and pineapple juice, because that sounds disgusting. (Sorry, Fab.) For $1500 I'd like to see two gratis bottles of whoever Jay isn't beefing with lately. Everyone needs to get two, though; one for sipping and another to shake up and spray during "Paris."
Foot Massagers High-heel-wearing ladies, this one is for you. During "New Day," when Jay and 'Ye are taking a break, you should be able to take a break too, and have one of those As Seen On TV foot massagers rubbing the feeling back into your toes. Just for a little bit, just to make sure they're still working and everything. Initially I would have said do a paraffin bath as well but that might get a little messy, and those leopard heels look nice as hell so you don't want to mess those up.
Customized Maybachs From The "Otis" Video To Take You Home Trying to get a cab outside of MSG after a concert is almost as bad as waiting for the subway after a concert. Why not drive your guests home in one of those sick Maybachs with the doors ripped off? Who wouldn't want to fly through the streets of New York in a 'Bach, no matter how jangled it was?
Two Tickets To The Jay-Beyoncé Baby's Christening This one is a little bit of a pipe dream, but did you hear they're going to have a girl?
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