Come On, The-Dream: Was "Obsessed" Really the Best Eminem Diss Song You Could Write for Mariah?

As you may recall, Eminem kicked off his press tour for Relapse by claiming that he had urinated on Mariah Carey, back when they were dating. She also makes a cameo or two on the actual album, in amongst the Kim Kardashian and Sarah Palin references. Her pint-sized husband, Nick Cannon, eventually stood up for her (on the internet, anyway), calling Eminem "Slim Lamey," before backing down, hilariously, and deleting the blog post. So now Mariah--no slouch, she--has been forced to come to her own defense, releasing "Obsessed," the Tricky Stewart & The-Dream penned/produced first single to Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel.

The-Dream, who wrote Rihanna's "Umbrella" and turned the four off-key banshees in Electrik Red into a half decent r&b group, should've knocked this one out of the park. Mariah has the exact same astounding vocal range as The-Dream himself and she, of all people, would've made a great candidate for a composition closer to those on Dream's own Love vs. Money, the most astonishingly weird and inventive album anyone in any genre has released in 2009. Instead, "Obsessed" is a sing-songy, generic pop bauble that makes her husband look hard. "Why you so obsessed with me?" she asks, before accusing Eminem of having a Napoleon complex and saying that she sees right through Em, like he's "bathing in Windex." Really, Dream? It's not like there wasn't a wealth of material here!

Eminem got in a fight with a dog. A puppet dog. This is a man who physically assaulted Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog--he repeatedly shoved what was basically a talking stuffed animal.

At his darkest moment, in the depths of an all-encompassing drug addiction, the only person Eminem could think to call was Elton John. This really happened. "Me and him have had similar lives and stuff," Em recently told the Detroit Metro Times. "He's somebody who's in the business and can identify and relate to the lifestyle and how hectic things can be. He understands like the pressure and any other reasons that you wanna come up with for doing drugs, you know...So I reached out to him and told him, 'Look, I'm going through a problem and I need your advice.' " So maybe something about how dude's only friend in the world is apparently a gay knight of England?

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The Alf shirt. Self explanatory.

Eminem's long-running feud with Insane Clown Posse, a group of grown men who paint their faces funny colors and whose followers actually use the word "Juggalo" to describe themselves. Uh, yup--Mathers actually once pistol-whipped an ICP associate for making out with his wife, then memorialized the whole encounter on The Eminem Show's "The Kiss," enshrining this particular shame in the annals of history. Pretty sure this bore repeating.

He was once sued by his own mother. Actually, this whole thing was tremendously sad. You can kind of see why they didn't go here.

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