Freaks Of The Industry II: Wednesday's CMJ Panels, Cynically Summarized

It still holds up.

Yesterday's installment was apparently helpful, so: CMJ has a ton of afternoon music-industry panels. Here's Wednesday's lineup. Join us now as we distill them to their respective essences.

When Management Goes Label. Just sell out to Target and get it over with.

So You Still Want A Major Label Record Deal? Here's The Truth... As you walk in the room Steve Albini whacks you in the nuts with a croquet mallet.

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The Anatomy of the Live College Performance Market. Real-live fraternity brothers vomit on you as you play Jason Mraz covers. Purell is provided.

Strategically Aligning Your Music World With Partnerships And Alliances. When baking a cake for the Brooklyn Vegan guy, remember that he's actually vegan.

Mobile Devices And Concepts Of Tomorrow Here Today. Panelists spend a full hour playing Flight Control on their iPhones and ignoring you entirely.

Andrew W.K. PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY [Piano solo.] PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY PARTY

A View Of The Music Industry From A Youthful Perspective. [Derisive farting sounds.]

A Thriving Revival Of The Dance Music Genre. I gotta feeling! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good good night!

Artist Development: New Technology Applied To Old School Basics. How to snort cocaine off your MacBook.

Keeping Metal Relevant in the Digital Age. Lemmy.blogspot.com.

Timeless Miles: 1959 - A Pivotal Year In Music. Seasons' Greetings From Perry Como tops Pitchfork poll in total shocker.

Now More Than Ever: The Importance Of Music Education. How to reinstall your Auto-Tune software.

The Evolution of Metal. From Static X to 3OH!3.

Breaking Into Film Scoring. I gotta feeling! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good night! Tonight's gonna be a good good night!

Understanding The Intricacies Of Modern Music Publishing. Dump the money with your right, flush the toilet with your left.

Being Your Own Label. As effective as being your own best friend.

I Like It When Yahooglemyfacetunes... You Twit. Mommmm! You're embarrassing me!

Tribute Bands: From Clubland's Dirty 'lil Secret To Profitable Programming. Lesbian cover bands are the only viable music-industry option left. Uh... uh... Lezzaerosmith! Bumpin' Stray Cats! Sapphic Bloody Sapphic!


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