How To Do SXSW Like A Grizzled Old Man

How To Do SXSW Like A Grizzled Old Man

SXSW is in full-swing this week down in Austin, and that means a constant blast of updates in your news feed from your friends and colleagues maxing out their annual diarrhea expense accounts. Many publications are eager to tell you the best ways to enjoy your time at the festival. All of those people are lying to you. Here's some advice on how to do SXSW like a grizzled old man.

1) Don't go.

2) OK, fine, go if you must, but ask yourself this first: Are you 22 years old? You are not. You are an adult person who doesn't have the stomach/knees/attention span to see more than three bands in a day, never mind 15-20. You can see three great bands tonight in your very own city, and it'll be a lot cheaper to get a cab back home to your own apartment afterwards without swimming upstream against a churning stew of spawning-ground-bound mackerel in cut off jorts and flourescent tank tops.

3) Over do it the first night you're there. Stay up all night drinking and partying, that way your body will provide you a natural excuse to skip out on all the outdoor mid-day showcases headlined by the sun with a special DJ set by your charred skin that you didn't really want to go to anyway tomorrow.

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4) Make plans to meet up with all of your colleagues and professional acquaintances you know from Twitter. You won't actually do it, of course, because you're at this one thing, and they're all the way down the block at another thing many multiple foot steps away, and, well, it's probably going to be awkward anyway, so just throw them a "you know how it is" @reply and save everyone the trouble of yelling into each other's ear about your projects in the middle of a loud club. Maybe catch up at CMJ though, for sure. Definitely see you there. Will be cool to meet in person.

5) RSVP to everything. That way you can walk around knowing you have the option to go wait in line for an hour at the three big events every single other person has RSVP'd to, thereby making it impossible for anyone to get in.

6) Get really excited about standing in line to eat BBQ prepared inside of a truck parked on the side of the road. Everyone knows food made in a smaller, more mobile kitchen is more authentic than musty old non-moveable kitchen food.

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