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Interview: Andrew "Dice" Clay

Andrew "Dice" Clay headlines the Nokia Theater Times Square on Friday, January 16. Tickets are still available here.

"Me and my wife broke up in 2002 but since then I've gone through 26 mattresses. It's like these beds can't take a beating. And these chicks aren't even fat."

Interview: Andrew "Dice" Clay

Andrew "Dice" Clay, the loud-mouthed, MTV-banned comedian who's been mostly M.I.A for more than a decade since his starring role in The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (not ringing a bell, right?), is starting to play nice, sort of. After his failed 2007 reality show Dice: Undisputed, Clay's touring again--he comes to the Nokia Theater on Friday, January 16--and in March he'll be on the latest season of Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice.

We recently spoke with the self-proclaimed "undisputed heavyweight comedy king of the universe," who talked about what he's been up to, his kids, and going through 26 mattresses in seven years. We're not calling this a comeback, but the Diceman sure is. --Araceli Cruz

What have you been up for the past ten years?

These past ten years have been a crazy ten years. I went through an awful divorce. When me and the wife split, it was more than an obligation I felt to bring up the kids than worry about career moves. I wanted to raise them [14 year old Dillon and 18 year old Max] and they turned out to be spectacular boys. They were touring with me this summer. They have the band L.A Rocks. They're the Guns N' Roses version of the White Stripes.

Your kids are pretty tame, right? Compared to you of course.

As people, they're very clean-cut, nice kids. My 18 year old Max is doing stand up already. The way they are is completely different from what they perform. They follow their own career instead of what their father has done. My image as a rock comic, let's say, is a big image. It's flashy and it is like rock-and-roll, but that's not who they want to be. My son is a comic and I say he's almost like Seinfeld. But with an edge.

Didn't you have some beef with Jerry Seinfeld?

Seinfeld, I think, is phenomenal. If I had to pick a comic that is one of the best in the clean genre I would say Seinfeld. The thing is, years ago, I had a problem with him. What happened was that when my career took off, all these comics that I knew wanted to steal the spotlight for three-and-half seconds and were bad-mouthing me. These were the same guys that I'd sit down at the diner with and have coffee and guys I started out with. But this was many years ago... you know, he's [since] apologized.

But I respect people that reach that potential. Anybody can do something good once, but I've had a tremendous rollercoaster ride. But to get this kind of resurgence...and I'm not supposed to say certain things, but selling a book, and having that book turn into a gigantic movie with gigantic actor who wants to portray Dice--and I mean that's a big deal.

 

And what actor is that?

You know, I can't say. What it comes down to is the comedy and the live performance: when I walk into a theater, the mania that's taking place again--I mean that's what is unbelievable to me. The audiences are ferocious. It might as well be 1988 again.

Does your show include old-school material?

I don't do an old act... I do all new material.

Yeah, there is sexual stuff, but it's updated. Like what slobs women have become--even worse than before because they get this stuff off the Internet, and instead of being original in bed they're following what everyone is doing in porno on the Internet. It's unbelievable and I've witnessed it and I've lived it. I can't believe it. It's like I almost want to say to one girlfriend, "Hey, did you talk to the other one I was going out with because you're doing the exact same thing?" It doesn't pay to break up. It really doesn't 'cause all the new ones are doing the same exact same thing.

And you want to know something? When it comes to break-ups you never really break-up today, because of texting, you know, it's unbelievable. Like even during Christmas I got texted from a girl I haven't talked to in a year and half. Because years ago you had the balls to actually pick up the phone but I get this text, "I was just thinking about you." I was looking at this fucking thing.

Did you text her back?

Yeah, I said, "I was just thinking about you." Two days later, she was in my bed making another dent. I mean unbelievable. And I probably wont see her for another year and a half.

So you're pretty tech-savvy?

I'm not good at it, but I can do it. So what else... Me and my wife broke up in 2002 but since then I've gone through 26 mattresses. I've tried to figure out how many mattresses people go through--maybe one or two. Twenty-six since we broke up, because it's like these beds can't take a beating. I'll spend like $3,000, $4,000 and keep going back. I've bought like five mattresses from one store, it's like these beds can't handle what is going on. And these chicks aren't even fat.

Does your new show mention our soon-to-be President?

It's not that political. It's just about making 'em laugh. When I go on stage I feel the crowd, I begin wherever I begin and go wherever it goes. There's always the famous Mother Goose stuff that I end with but it's like giving them their hits, it's like how we all met, you know its like a first date like "Remember when I did that?" Other than that the act is [about] what asshole people there are in this world today.

But you know I am the most happiest when I am on stage or in bed with some chick, and just. I don't want to talk dirty to ya, you probably take it as dirty...

 

It's cool, go ahead.

But just annihilating what's between her legs and both of us enjoying that. That's when I am happy. That's the real side of me that has never gotten old. And I have friends that are married and talk about sex like it's a hardship.

You can't relate to that?

I may have gotten divorced, but I never looked at my wife like that. Every time is the first time as far as I'm concerned. I don't care if it's a girlfriend, or somebody I just met--all of sudden, there she is with a red thong with her ass up in the air. I like it. It makes me happy. I don't care. I don't play golf.

So do you think you'll settle down again?

You know what? If I meet the right one. I've had most of my life long-term relationships, but now it's like it was in my early 20s. It's one right after the other. There's no end to it. They walk in the door and want you to swing them around by their tits. They don't even care if you take them out for coffee.

You still have the same energy as you did back then?

Yeah, I do, to a point. I can't do it six or seven times a day like I used to. But the show they get--I mean they keep coming back for more, so they're probably happy. I don't know about you, or what kind of life you lead, but me when I'm with a woman I'm with her because I'm attracted to her, she's a turn-on. Then you get to know 'em, and then you get to see how sick they are in fucking head. And the next thing you know they're packing.

You may have a pattern of choosing the wrong kind of women.

You know what a lot of them are different types, that's the funny thing. I mean my kid on stage is talking about his father's midlife crisis, now I'm not going to do my son's jokes for you...but their father is playing the field right now. It's funny when you're 18 year old is--hold on--

[In the background: Hey Max, I'm talking to the Village Voice, can I use one of your midlife crisis jokes?]

So he goes like this: "So I asked this girl in school to the prom, but she said, 'Your dad already asked me.''' I mean it's hysterical. I'm not going to say they're too young but how much finger-painting can you do?

I tell my kids, if they get famous or get success quicker than I did, they have to stay grounded. And in their case, they come from L.A., they understand what drugs can do, they understand what alcohol can do. If a kid in school starts doing drugs, they will stop being friends with them and come talk to me about it. If anything sexual is going on, we can handle the situation. They can come to me with anything, and they do. Sometimes it's funny; sometimes it's serious. But they know they can come to me.

Especially living out in L.A., those are the worst fucking parents you've ever seen in your life. It's the non-English speaking nanny that raises the kids. I hate the rich. I don't mind if you come from new money, but those that grow up with that silver-fucking spoon in their mouth should have it shoved down their fucking throats.

Celebrity Apprentice has a pretty good cast. What was like going head-to-head with fellow comedians like Joan Rivers and Tom Green?

We'll see how that plays out. You know, Joan, I would never go after. You know why? I have so much respect for her and she's a fantastic comedian. You know, the first ever real talk show I ever did was The Joan Rivers Show. I can't go after people I really like. You know if Joan fucks with me I'm going to let her get away with it.

Is there anyone you'd refrain from telling a dirty joke to?

I don't really do dirty jokes, in my opinion. There's language, a lot of sexual content. I talk a lot about technology. But we live in a foul world.

So your material is still pretty sexist?

The sort of stuff I am talking about now, my enjoyment of...I'll say it nicely, having relations, you know. I'm not trying to talk dirty to you, but if you look at what a comic does on stage, doing comedic satire about what goes on between couples, well then he is being sexist, but I am just making it funny. But if you're going out with some gorgeous fucking blonde and she goes into the bathroom, and Marilyn Monroe goes in and Marilyn Manson comes out without the makeup, with her hair tied up on top of her head, that's pretty un-fucking-appealing.

Do you take equal jabs at men?

Sure I do. If a guy doesn't try, and wears the same fucking old underwear for the same fucking year, get rid of this guy, he ain't trying. That's why Calvin Klein made underwear.

Looking back at your entire career, is there one thing you're most ashamed of?

There's nothing I'm ashamed of. I don't have any regrets career-wise, that's what a career is. And you're gonna have your big years and the years that aren't that great. If I had things go without any controversy that went without a hitch, you know hit movie after hit movie...I would have already been bored. It's like I need that fight. I need that challenge. I need that next thing.

You know I always do interviews and say, "Let me tell you something 'I'm not any comic. I'm the biggest selling comic ever in history,'" and that's it. When I am brought on stage it's the undisputed heavyweight comedy king of the universe because I've sold more tickets than any stand-up ever in history. So that's why I don't compare myself to them. I bring more excitement to any theater, arena, or wherever I play, than anybody ever, and that's just fact.


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