Nikon at Jones Beach 2010 Summer Schedule Proves, Once Again, That All Under-40 Adult New Yorkers Are Drunks

With the Rihanna/Ke$ha bill already announced for Nikon at Jones Beach Theater this summer, a pop-superheroine double-threat that Nicki Minaj sadly abandoned, there was a momentary glimmer of possibility that the Lon Guyland outdoor amphitheater's other bookings would give metropolitan lollygaggers another reason to voyage to the land of camera sponsorships and alcohol-free concerts. Take in the spectacle, breathe fresh air, not smell decaying rats, etc. Not exactly.

This summer's nearly complete Jones Beach Schedule arrived in our inbox this morning, which makes today, as Wikipedia tells us, "a sort of holiday for Long Island music fans." So we learn. But as given as we are to random, possibly harrowing excursions, Jones Beach seems a little too far outside our wheelhouse. Why? Because this summer's line-up confirms, once again, that no one under 40 who doesn't know the lyrics to "Sample in a Jar" goes to dry outdoor-amphitheater concerts. Except for John Mayer fans--but if you're on the record like that and you're not Marc Hogan, your idea of getting wild is eating a lot of chocolate. To wit, the full roster:

JETHRO TULL Procol Harum

COBRA STARSHIP 3OH! Travie McCoy, I Fight Dragons

STYX FOREIGNER Kansas

SCORPIONS Cinderella

YES PETER FRAMPTON

311 THE OFFSPRING with special guests Pepper

CHICAGO THE DOOBIE BROTHERS

MEAT LOAF

SANTANA with special guest Steve Winwood

JOHN MAYER Train

RUSH

STING The Royal Philharmonic Concert Orchestra conducted by Steven Mercurio

GOO GOO DOLLS with special guest Switchfoot

103.5 KTU's BEATSTOCK

PHISH

DAVID GRAY RAY LAMONTAGNE

CROSBY, STILLS & NASH

CREED

JIMMY BUFFETT & The Coral Reefer Band

Nikon at Jones Beach 2010 Summer schedule, dates, ticket info here. A wide variety of flasks over here. You're welcome.

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