The Ecstasy, the Agony: Live Blogging the MTV VMAs

In honor of the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards, we've invited SOTC buddies and pop savants Sean Fennessey and Ryan Dombal to lend a certain wisdom and perspective to these sure-to-be completely dignified proceedings. Gentleman?

The Ecstasy, the Agony: Live Blogging the MTV VMAs
John Shearer

9:00pm Sean: We're coming to you live from one or two or seven places. Ryan, how do you feel? Ryan: It's kinda hot in here. 9:01pm Sean: Always, always about Madge. Even if it isn't. Ryan: I guess Madonna is going to die now. Sean: Pete Wentz is moved, though, so you know, good. Ryan: He's Twittering. Ryan: Holler at Brooke Shields. Sean: "The roar of the lynch mob is so loud you're convinced your voice can never be heard." Sean: Madonna is a werewolf. Ryan: Cue Sharpton. Sean: Taylor Lautner, let's get it.

9:07pm Sean: Would Chris Brown take back all the woman-beating if he knew he could get in on this MJ tribute? Ryan: Why isn't Ne-Yo, like, dancing up there? Sean: So this is just a series of anono-MJs dancing around? I can see this every Sunday in Union Square. Ryan: Of, as Madonna mentioned on the "internet." Sean: Internet? Never heard of it. Ryan: "Scream" is wildly underrated, btw. Sean: Totally agree. Janet came out of this MJ fiasco looking good, though. 9:14pm Ryan: Katy Perry's guitar hero avatar, ladies and gents. Sean: Does Joe Perry get paid for this or is he just a good guy? Ryan: I hope all the surprise collaborations are based on last name coincidences. Sean: Russell Brand is wearing tighter pants than Vivica A. Fox on club night. 9:20pm Ryan: Props to Gaga for her Phantom of the Disco getup / somehow stealing Beyonce's shot. Sean: In case you missed it, she brought Kermit the Frog as her date. They made out. Ryan: Gaga just saw Dark Crystal for the first time. Sean: me: Oh no @wale's enormous bow tie. Ryan: He's not supposed to interact w/ the host. Sean: So I imagine you scoped out all the winners that leaked this weekend? Ryan: WHAT?! Seam: Nothing is sacred. Sorry, bud. Ryan: How is Shakira not on the Twilight soundtrack? Sean: Taylor Swift wins Best Female, which, really America, good for you. Ryan: Taylor has to stop pretending that she's not a star. Sean: "I sing country music." Sad. Own it! Ryan: I'm really worried about Kanye. Sean: He's always better at being a good sport when not trying to be a good sport. Ryan: First Blueprint 3, now rehashing bad bits on defenseless millionaire 17-year-olds. Sean: This probably isn't the place for me to tell you how wrong you are on BP3. You gotta believe in Jay-Z, America! 9:26pm Sean: Technical difficulties, only 26 minutes in! Ryan: You think Kanye and Beyonce are buddies? Like is Matthew going to end his career now? 9:28pm Sean: Kanye once told me Beyoncé is "the greatest entertainer of her generation." Susan Boyle was mad aggy about it. Ryan: That hair is a rehash, too. I dunno. He's running out of ideas. Sean: Twitter is revolting against Ye. It's a swarm of hate. 9:34pm Sean: What happened to Russell Brand's sleeves? 9:37pm Sean: The interstitial video treatments have really devolved, by the way. They used be crazy. Now they suck. Sean: Green Day wins Best Rock Video. Ryan: Green Day is the ultimate "why not" VMA band circa 2009. Everyone else is busy type thing. Sean: Tre Cool looks like Jeff Daniels circa 'Something Wild.' Ryan: Beiber vs. Kanye! Sean: Apparently Taylor Swift will be performing underground. Ryan: Is she going to flash a hobo? Sean: Subway trains are so cool! Ryan: This reminds me of that time that guy pissed on me while belching "Time After Time" on the F. Ryan: And Travolta hijacks the train, great. Ryan: One of those times I wish Smell-O-Vision existed. Sean: Never have I long so deeply for the JoBros. No pause. Ryan: NYC rulz. Sean: That's what it was like when we saw Wilco at Radio City Music Hall. Ryan: Why go to NYC if you're just gonna turn it into a Paramount lot anyway? 9:44pm Sean: Seriously just checked to see how my fantasy football team is doing. So we're not off to a great start. 9:47pm Ryan: So: Big "Empire State" finale w/ Jay in the New Times Square? Tourists expunged, natch. Sean: I hope they make it out to Park Slope. The F is such a great line! Ryan: New York, baby! Ryan: Remember when we saw Gabe @ Bubbys? He can pull off a suit, though. Sean: Gabe Saporta and I once auditioned for a Fuse talking heads show together. He was wildly insensitive. 9:50pm Sean: It's Lady Gaga time. Ryan: Gaga has been to Sean: Gaga from the waist down: Best evs? Ryan: Very WWF starlet. Sean: Never seen a pop star have sex with, then get stabbed by a piano. The VMAs! Ryan: So is that also a tribute to MJ? People realize "Leave Me Alone" exists, right? I think he had more to bitch about. 9:58pm Ryan: How can we adequately report what's going on with Kanye? Sean: Rumor has it Kanye has been banned from MTV for LIFE!!!! Sean: Pink tweeted he is "the biggest piece of shit on earth." My tweet: Cool haircut! Ryan: I heard Kanye isn't allowed to watch MTV anymore. Sean: Kanye just had both eyes gouged out by Dave Sirulnick. Ryan: All of his videos are being deleted from YouTube. His blog is 404'd. Sean: Kanye West officially does not exist. Ryan: He didn't produce "Takeover." Sean: OMG there is no more "Takeover." 10:02pm Sean: Wisin Y Yandel dilettante nomination. Sean: Britney still wins. Ryan: Nelly's Spanish album will not be as good as Shakira's English album. Ryan: Kid is in Britney's band! Ryan: Megan Fox is really trying to look like Octamom nowadays amirite?! Sean: I'm over Megan Fox. When she comes down a peg I'll be back on board. Sean: Dear Green Day, we already made jokes about you. Leave. Ryan: Kanye should've picked a better spot. Like now. Ryan: I'm pretty sure this song is about ear-tug highlights. Ryan: Tre Cool is thinking super fucking hard right now. Ryan: More reaction shots from hip-hop stars, plz. Ryan: This is the first time I've felt young in three months. Ryan: Where's Girl Talk when you need him. Sean: Bad news, Ryan. I booked Billie Joe and Co. to perform at my wedding. Sean: I wanted a real "rebellious" feel. Ryan: Yeah, Winger wasn't available, apparently. Ryan: Kanye Update: Blackberry deactivated his account. 10:16pm Ryan: Kristen Stewart now showing contempt for fanbase via haircut. Sean: It's for the Runaways movie, chill! Ryan: Twilight 2: New Movie, Same Headband Ryan: She hates the world, Sean. Ryan: Flying Fangz, Hidden Virginity Sean: Male lower abdomens are so hawt right now. 10:20pm Sean: Ilene and I just broke down how thin Beyoncé looks. Whaddya think of that for instant commentary!? Leggings! Ryan: Weird to see B w/o Fosse dancers at this point. Ryan: Spoke too soon. Ryan: Hate to say this is not an event a year later. Sean: At what point are we over the "Single Ladies" routine? Ryan: Kanye killed Beyoncé's career, basically. Ryan: That's the takeaway. Sean: This is the closest I'm ever going to get to B's crotch. 10:26pm Ryan: Holler @ Tiesto. Ryan: "Use Somebody" is officially the most covered song of 2009 w/ Solange redo. Sean: I'm so proud of Solange. She actually shifted the conversation. Ryan: So are we blaming Solange for Jay's Grizzly Bear infatuation? Sean: Obvs. Ryan: I used to like her. Ryan: When she was playing fake TV shows @ SXSW. Ryan: But she did more to ruin Jay than Jones. Sean: She's still great. She's influential now! 10:31pm Sean: Diddy says Kanye's name and the boos arrive. Astonishing. Ryan: People are super sensitive, and dumb. Ryan: At least Kanye has fodder for his next album-- now people actually hate him. "Hate" even kinda makes sense. Sean: And he made himself so easy to love! Sean: Gerard Butler=rock star Ryan: Butler is killing this Muse intro! Ryan: So did Spin know about this? Sean: I think the question is: Did America know about this? Sean: A band could not be less in tune with what makes for popular music in the U.S. right now than these guys. Ryan: Ok, so Thom Yorke won't be a good egg, so Industry gets Muse. Makes sense on paper, I suppose. Sean: Radiohead killed it at the Grammys. That was enough. Ryan: This was inevitable the fuck does Muse get a shot and Paramore is nowhere to be found. Sean: Where are these nubile young girls who worship Muse? Were they airmailed in from Wales? Ryan: It's a glorified video shoot. Maybe this is an Activision move. Sean: The whole walk-around-and-rock-thing needs a facelift. Tommy Lee was playing drums upside down 20 years ago! Ryan: Muse GH is probably the best way to experience them. Sean: Have you played "Knights of Cydonia" on Hard? That shit is tough! Ryan: I bet. Ryan: I like the idea that bands are geting signed now based on their GH-ability. 10:45pm Ryan: Taylor Update: She just downloaded that app that tells you where to get off on the subway platform. 10:46pm Ryan: All American Rejects trying to be Of Montreal Sean: Wale is not amused Ryan: Emo is dead. me: J-Lo fresh out the cryogenic freezer, talking about the Bronx and "hip-hop." Ryan: Electro! Sean: Eminem is so electro. Ryan: I wish Jay kept the hair. Sean: Yeah, it was cute. Like when your son comes back from college with a goatee. Ryan: I was waiting for a Money Train ref from J-Lo. Bummer. Sean: Kid Cudi, paying tribute to DJ AM with the blowjob song. Makes sense. Ryan: Cudi is such an asshole. Ryan: Where is Kurt Loder, fuck Sean: Jim Cantiello is the anti-Loder. Sean: Un-Loder. Sean: He's de-Loder. Ryan: How long can it take to not think of an angle for his Where the Wild Things Are? review. Ryan: I wonder what Tabitha Soren is up to... Sean: Rooming with Martha Quinn? Ryan: Adam Curry! And we're done. 10:54pm Ryan: Black Eyed Peas should perform "I Gotta Feeling" on this show. Just saying. Sean: Can't believe I'm delaying "Mad Men" for this. Zach, you owe me, dude. Sean: Trending topic tomorrow: Who is Asher Roth's girlfriend? Ryan: That's a downgrade for Kelis. 10:58pm Sean: Gaga, head to toe in blood red outfit and mask: Revolutionary. Ryan: I mean, no competition but speech of the night. Ryan: Even Serena wants to kill Kanye. Sean: She would annihilate him. 11:02pm Ryan: Pink's Club Med vaca pays off. Sean: If Pink didn't have a nipple slip, would that be the biggest surprise of the night? Sean: Doing trapeze=The new interrupting Taylor Swift. 11:07pm Sean: Robert Loggia's big comeback in the Mac/PC commercial is the best. Sean: They shoulda had him play "Heart & Soul" on the giant foot keyboard, tho. 11:10pm Ryan: Have you tried 5 Gum? Sean: True Story: I had 150 packs in my old VIBE office. Sean: When it launched they sent me a box. Sean It's a Wrigley's product. Ryan: Wow. Where is it now? Sean: Buried 6 feet deep along with my career. 11:11pm Ryan: "Wale, we need you to stretch" -- the six most depressing words in awards show history. Sean: "Our generation's David Letterman: Jimmy Fallon." *dead* Ryan: Letterman never put his dick in a box. Sean: Just his soul. Ryan: Deep. Sean: Beyoncé wins Video of the Year. And the clowns wept. Sean: Kanye West lives! Sean: Oh wait, Taylor's coming out to have her moment. Kanye's dead again! Ryan: I knew it was planned! Ryan: Yr crazy for this one Kanye. Sean: You a genius! Ryan: Perez is crying. 11:18pm Ryan: Sad how little Kanye needs to do the be the story nowadays. Sean: Every year we complain about this show, but every year he does something interesting. 11:22pm Ryan: Katy Perry should've done "Hot N Cold" / Shakira should've done "She Wolf" #whymtvcantaffordtimessquare Ryan: This is not that hard, people. Ryan: Jay needs to mention Kanye here. Sean: Never gonna happen. Ryan: Shame. Ryan: Aggro flow is so unnecessary. Sean: Disagree! Ryan: Em loves it. Sean: "Still sippin' mai tais" - so true! Ryan: Alicia's one-hoop look: by choice? Ryan: This song is way more censorable than I originally thought. Sean: Because it's got heart! Sean: I love Jay-Z, I'm sorry. Sean: Don't dance too close to Alicia, Beyoncé is watching. Ryan: Lil Mama = Soy Bomb 2009 Or whoever that was. 11:29pm Sean: "This Is It" is the crassest shit ever. Ryan: MJ killed MTV. Sean: "Look, Michael is normal cuz he works just like you, also he made 'Thriller.' 'Thriller.'" Ryan: Russell Brand de-fanged is so pointless. 11:35pm Sean: If you have gotten this far, welcome to the kill screen. Ryan: Going off my theory that Kanye sabotaged Blueprint 3-- Jay realized this and made him do the asshole thing to get people back on Jay's side b/c there's no alternative. Sean: You solved it. Ryan: Yes! Ryan: Grammys already booking Taylor Swift / Kanye mashup performance. Sean: Obama beer meeting? 11:39pm Ryan: Biggest Winner: Rihanna, for not showing up Sean: Best moment? Ryan: I'm going to say Pink copying Kanye's heart-on-chest thing from last year. Sean: I enjoyed the cutaways to Beyonce all night. Sean: "I'm shocked!" Sean: "I'm happy" Sean: "I'm proud" Sean: "I'm rich" Ryan: Beyonce is very expressive. I wish Stringer was Jay's seat-filler. Sean: He was busy with Ali Larter. 11:43pm Ryan: You think Beyonce respects Gaga? Sean: I think she's either afraid of her or sort of amused. "Oh that's nice, crazy white lady." Ryan: I think Beyonce's afraid of Rihanna, which is why she wasn't there. Sean: I think Rihanna's waiting to make an insane T.V. event comeback, which will be great. Ryan: Yeah, I hope so. Trent Reznor should produce her album. Sean: Watching this MJ tribute again, it's just as lackluster as anything BET did. Ryan: Timberlake couldn't be bothered to plug his fashion line? Come on. Ryan: What happened to the Vanguard award, btw? Ryan: That was usually a pretty good look. Spike, Hype, etc. Sean: Where is: Usher, Whitney Houston, Wayne, etc.? Ryan: Drake is rehabbing? Sean: Seems like a great place to end! Drake, we love you!

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