The Four Dumbest Attempts To Explain Why Beyoncé And Jay-Z Named Their Baby "Blue Ivy"

The Four Dumbest Attempts To Explain Why Beyoncé And Jay-Z Named Their Baby "Blue Ivy"

Late Saturday Beyoncé, having taken over an entire floor at Lenox Hill Hospital, gave birth to her first child with Jay-Z—a daughter named Blue Ivy. No sooner did the name surface (well, at first the Internet got it wrong, referring to the baby as "Ivy Blue") than did the super-stupid conspiracy theories about the name pop up and spread like wildfire—because, of course, it's fun to make fun of a baby that isn't even a week old because her parents happen to be more famous and make more money than you. Oh, class warfare, you manifest yourself in the strangest ways! Four of the most ridiculous explanations below.

4. They're celebrities! And at least the kid's name isn't, I don't know, "Apple" or something.

"What is Occam's razor?"

3. "Among the speculative suggestions is the claim that Ivy is an acronym for 'Illuminati's very youngest.'"

Please see Jay-Z's verse on Rick Ross's "Free Mason" for further clarification on this matter. Related: God.

2. Something something 4, something something Blueprint.

You know... "Ivy," "IV," 4? I floated this on Twitter yesterday as a sorta-joke. People ran with it this morning, citing "sources and fans." (Yes, B went on an extended monologue about the importance of the number four at her Roseland shows last summer, but honestly: "Beyoncé named her latest album 4," the story breathlessly said, devoid of any context. That couldn't be because it's her fourth solo album, could it? How crazy is that!) Important caveat: Obviously if the baby has a secret middle name of "Print," or if Jay mysteriously sequences the Blueprint series' next recorded installment as "V," everyone was right.

1. "Elub Yvi" is actually an ancient phrase that, when translated, means "Lucifer's daughter."

This is a particularly cruel rumor that cropped up before it was revealed that the baby's name was not "Ivy Blue" but its flip, and yet it still persists on those parts of the Internet that specialize in having stupid names and even dumber content, and through the magic of gaming Google they are able to gum up your search results so that they can collect AdWords payouts—your Examiner.coms, your ChaChas, your Yahoo! Answerses. Neither "Elub" nor "Yvi" is actually a Latin word; the Latin translation for "devil's daughter" is "filia diaboli," while "Lucifer's daughter" translates to "Lucifer filia." (Did none of the so-called running with this particular rumor take a foreign language in high school? "Sister" is, like, one of the first 30 words you learn how to translate. Writers! Know the words you're using! Sometimes reading SEO-bait sites is like watching a carpenter try to make easy money by using the rusty screwdriver that just happens to be in her pocket to hammer nails. Embarrassing for all involved, especially when inadvertent stabbings happen.)

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