The Funniest Fake Entries in Kid Rock's Bartender Contest
Last week, I wrote of my intent to win Jim Beam's Mix for Kid Rock contest, which will let one lucky winner follow the miscellaneous-genre legend to three stops on his "Best Night Ever" tour, filling him to the scruffy gills with Jim Beam cocktails each time.
Since I couldn't figure out a way to rig the voting in my favor, I came up with a subtler way to cheat: I'd encourage readers to submit lots of terrible entries in order to make me look like the only sane person in the running.
I posted this phony entry as an example to get the ball rolling:
Soon, dozens and dozens of idiot friends and funny strangers answered the call on Twitter, and the contest was flooded with insanity. I've compiled a few of the funniest entries-- in fact, I'm a little worried that one of these fake ones might actually win.
(Please excuse the variations in quality and formatting; computers are hard.)
"Disco" Dean (@roljui) has the mixology know-how to give Kid exactly what he needs. Honestly, Kid would be a fool to pass this guy up.
But this thing is about more than just drinks-- and it looks like my old pal @frknbns has the superior Kid Rock lyrical knowledge to pull it off:
Noted hilarious person Stephanie "@donglord69" Zipnick headed straight for Kid's heart with this irresistibly slithery entry:
Comedian, media personality and constant cyberbullying-by-me victim Jake Fogelnest failed to embrace the spirit of the contest. Better luck next time, Jake.
This @oatgan fellow was similarly unimpressed with the terms provided:
Writer Dan McQuade seems to be really into the contest, but I'm not entirely sure he knows who Kid Rock is:
On the other hand, @ZSGhost seems to have this thing locked down. When he wins, I hope he'll let me come along for the ride.
Writer and rising podcast superstar Joseph Fink somehow managed to grab this screenshot of an internal system check:
Cartoon enthusiast @ReneBork offers Kid Rock a lesson in the magic of friendship:
Meanwhile, @buttplanet wants to spread a different sort of agenda:
MC Satellite High brought his famous rhyming skills to the table for his entry. I'm sure the Kid will be impressed by the work of a fellow rap god:
Even if Kid is totally down with Jay Feezy's opinions, @clynque is here to split the vote with similar ideology:
Seems like @dhartery has the bartending chops to secure this position, but he might not be too comfortable pouring Beam:
Even if he doesn't win this one, it seems like @spamremix386 has plenty of other skills he can fall back on.
I'm not sure if being a personal friend of Kid Rock will disqualify him from the contest, but Creed vocalist @tresdessert is hoping their shared past will give him an edge:
My favorite comedy jokeboi and championship terrible pun legend @woodmuffin has struggled through great adversity to get where he is:
Unfortunately, it seems like poor Annie "@a_girl_irl" Baubus is just about at the end of her rope:
Elsewhere in the tragedy-to-triumph category, @If_I_fell_ swears to protect Kid from the terrible cycle of abuse:
Here's a beautiful trip down memory lane from the always-funny @Lowenaffchen:
Zack Parsons, my friend and frequent collaborator (and real writer, too) brings us this delightful entry:
Sophisticated humorist Dennis Farrell has the raw masculine power to give Kid exactly what he needs:
Internet gadabout @virgiltexas is pretty proud of his writing accomplishments. Hopefully Kid will agree:
Writer and chair owner Mark Brendle creates a poignant new literary character in Stanislaus Garbaige:
If I was Kid Rock, I'd want to pick a winner with a true commitment to the American Bad Ass cause, and @Inneapolis is a true believer:
Or there's, uh, this. Thanks @Paul_Brosnan.
Highbrow humorist and philosopher @weedguy420boner will absolutely NOT tolerate any fake-ass posers in this contest:
Michael "@dogboner" Hale is offering quite a proposal: a two-for-one offer of both himself and his lovely wife:
Last up: @boring_as_heck is one of the funniest people on Twitter, but I think I know him from somewhere else-- haven't I seen him on the news or something?
Many thanks for all these hilarious Kid Rock submissions-- with each insane new entry, my own chances go up that much more. I'd also like to thank all those fantastic entrants who I didn't republish here; there were many more hilarious ones, but I had to narrow it down somehow.
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