Top Five Even Less Appropriate Lou Reed Songs For Susan Boyle To Sing

Maybe like an a capella vocal-loop thing, I don't know
Maybe like an a capella vocal-loop thing, I don't know

So Lou Reed has straight-up cockblocked Susan Boyle's attempt to sing his "Perfect Day" on America's Got Talent, apparently sending the reality-TV songstress back to England in tears. Explanation: "A source said Reed's reason for the last-minute rejection was that he 'didn't like' Boyle." Oh, Lou. While we can understand your reluctance to have Ms. Boyle tear into perhaps your most beloved and bittersweet song, you have to admit that there are far worse fits in your catalog.

For example:

"Heroin" No reason to beat around the bush here.

"I Wanna Be Black" "I wanna be black/Have natural rhythm/Shoot 20 feet of jism, too." How many decades back can one live performance set back race relations? Thirty years? Forty?

"Sister Ray" Prohibitively long, of course, and mind reels at what the sight/sound of Susan Boyle singing "She's busy sucking on my ding-dong" would do to the American psyche, exactly. It's almost worth finding out.

"Women" Perhaps it's a personal issue, my trepidation at have Boyle chewing scenery on anything from my personal favorite Lou album, The Blue Mask, but her warbling "I used to look at women in the magazines/I know that it was sexist but I was in my teens" is just a touch too disconcerting. Might work better in the context of Glee, though.

"Walk on the Wild Side" It's tempting to say this tale of transvestites and oral sex and colored girls going "doot, doot-doot, doot-doot, doot-doot-doot" is totally off limits, but then again, OH YEAH, MARKY MARK AND THE FUNKY BUNCH ALREADY DID IT. Alright, fine, Susan, you can do that version, but only if you rap the "Blame it on a black man? What the heck?" part. If you're intent on doing something so totally wrong, at least do it right.

(Thanks to Zach/Eric for conceptual assist.)


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