What Else Can Call Simon Cowell Daddy?
Like the classy British gent we all knew he was, Simon Cowell recently impregnated the wife of one of his closest friends. We're still not sure what that baby shower will be like. But in celebration of the news, we've assembled five other things that Simon Cowell has brought into this world--for better or worse.
Fluffy Man Boobs! Being a hairy and overweight man at the beach used to totally suck. But once photographs of Simon Cowell's fluffy man boobs flooded Google images, a new sense of confidence was given to the Chewbacca's among us. Many celebrated in the waves; many more were temporarily blinded. But most importantly, when the apocalypse finally happens we'll know who to shave in order to insulate our bunkers and stuff our pillows. Thank you, Simon.
Deep V-Necks! Not everything that Simon Cowell has fathered has been terrible. When Simon debuted the deep v-neck on American Idol in 2002, the style had been almost exclusively shuffled away into the closets of metro-and-homo-sexual men. George Bush's America was as scared of the deep v-neck like it was anthrax. But once we saw Simon Cowell wear the style on television every night for eight years--and once we realized that he was just British, not gay!--the deep v was liberated for all to wear. Simon Cowell is responsible for America's love of the deep v-neck (and the massive expansion of Urban Outfitter's male clothing selection).
Stylish Metro-Sexual Poses! Placing an elbow on a table and resting one of your cheeks in your hand used to be a pose reserved for elementary-school yearbook photos, but not anymore!
The Entire Line-Up of One Direction! It is well known that Simon Cowell is the baby daddy of all the The X Factor's. The musical and personal tragedies that have unfolded as a result of this show are extensive and deserving of an encyclopedia series (also to be created and produced by Simon Cowell). So we will focus on the biggest offense Simon Cowell birthed out into the world: One Direction. Simon Cowell pulled out of being a judge on The X Factor (UK) in 2010--but not soon enough. In his final season as a judge, One Direction finished in third place and went on to penetrate the hearts of innocent teenage girls (and boys) while permanently damaging the eardrums of everyone else. And one of those flippy haired boys broke the heart of Taylor Swift, so thanks for indirectly fathering that upcoming album of putrid lyricism, Simon.
Smoking Around Pregnant Ladies! People haven't been able to engage in this activity since the '60s, but Cowell is making it hip once more by lighting up next to his baby mama. It just makes us want to curl up under a blanket and watch the entire Mad Men series.
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