34 Minutes of Complaining a Day Is Strictly for Amateurs
The Daily Mail has said it, so it must be true. Monday is the worst day of the week, according to a survey by Flomax Relief, which sounds like it knows what it's talking about. A spokesman from the company, which conducted the study among 2,000 adults, said that one in three hated Mondays, and the average respondent spent an average 34 minutes each Monday complaining. In comparison, respondents complained just 22 minutes daily the rest of the week. Today, dear cranky people, is Monday.
However, are we to believe that those among us can only muster a half hour today whining lamely that "We always feel poorly on a Monday," and "We had a particularly active couple of days"? This seems far too limited, far too stoical, for the typical New Yorker's needs. In fact, we know of certain people (who will not be named) who complain nearly the entire day, about numerous and creative things! These people are very good at complaining.
If the average worldwide citizen manages to complain 34 minutes each Monday, we challenge New Yorkers to show the world what we've got. Complain for an entire hour! Or think outside the box and complain for 34 minutes on . . . a Tuesday! Throw in weeping and hand gestures, and call it a workout!
Here are some evergreen things to complain about, sure to cement your reputation as an elite complainer:
2. What if you were an orangutan at the zoo, and they made you stop smoking. That would be crap!
3. How exhausted you are from all the hard work that you do that no one else does or possibly can, SIGH.
5. No one pays attention when you complain anymore.
6. People actually don't seem to like you very much.
7. Why did everyone leave you alone in the dark?
8. This is unfair!
9. You hate everyone.
10. They never fill the water cooler at work.
The Flomax Relief spokesman added: 'While there appears to be a range of reasons that can affect our mood, especially on a Monday, it would seem that health-related problems are one of the biggest triggers.'
So, in a pinch, complain about that boil, too. It will not help with matters one through 10, but who cares. Sometimes you just want -- NEED -- to complain. For example, about how horrible calling it "Moanday" is.
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