America Falling Behind in Celebrity Nudes; Lawyers Blamed

There are nude pictures out there, allegedly of Ashley Greene (Twilight), and her attorneys are scouring the internet with bolos made out of lawsuits to keep them from public view. (WWTDD seems to have a special dispensation to publish them -- run, you bastards!) As The Inquistr points out, this has become a popular favorite, presumed a ruse to increase attention on the starlet. The surprising thing is that it works. We thought that nude photos on the internet were supposed to be forever -- at least that's what authorities have been saying to sexting teens. Now they'll have to revise that message: they're forever if you don't have a boatload of lawyers. It seems to us that, in a just society, the opposite would be true -- that public figures would be fair game and your nephew's girlfriend would be protected. A mad world, my masters.

We choose not to put ourselves in the legal line of fire, and instead reproduce this awful video of Miley Cyrus who, our sources inform us, is 11 years old and some kind of star, performing with jets of steam and a support cast unequaled in scale since the Filipino Prisoners' Thriller. At one point she ascends to a stripper pole atop a helados cart and weakly jacks her body for the crowd at the Teen Choice Awards. Normally we leave heavy analysis of such events to Ross Douthat, but we have to say this is an unsatisfying substitute for nude celebrities, from both a moral and a practical viewpoint.

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