And You Thought Your Investments Had Tanked: Studies in Crap Rages Against The Beanie Baby Handbook
Your Crap Archivist brings you the finest in forgotten and bewildering crap culled from basements, thrift stores, estate sales and flea markets. I do this for one reason: Knowledge is power.
The Beanie Baby Handbook
Author: Les & Sue Fox
Discovered at: Thrift store
The Cover Promises: Your toys are commodities.
"Basically, if you can afford to do this, simply putting away five or ten of each and every new Beanie Baby in super mint condition isn't a bad idea" (page 27).
"As seasoned McDonald's collectors, we had little doubt that $2 would be less than the future value of any Teenie Beanie. Unfortunately, we were only able to accumulate 500 or so Beanies during the mad rush." (page 190)
A heartless, mercenary endeavor that strips whatever innocence remains in childish hording, Les & Sue Fox's The Beanie Baby Handbook teaches kids that fun, imagination, and all of the other qualities we love in toys get in the way of profitability.
Instead, the Foxes encourage kids to become stuffed-animal speculators.
The Foxes dedicate a page of their handbook to each of the Ty Beanie Babies the children of America believed might pay for college. They chart each Beanie's cost at issue date, its worth in 1998, and then forecast how much it might be worth ten years out -- provided you don't hug or play with it, or anything stupid like that.
This typical entry also shows how Beanies get made!
Stripes currently fetches 99 cents on Ebay -- just one one-thousandth of the Foxes' estimate.
The Foxes took all their own photos and wrote heaps of cutesy filler text.
The last line reads "NOTE: Otters can break open nuts on their chests." Remember that the next time someone asks you "What do otters have in common with sorority girls?" (Current Ebay price of a mint-condition Seaweed, with tags: 99 cents.)
Nastiest of all, the Foxes offer a purchase recommendation at the end of each entry. Some Beanies come "Highly Recommended." Others are merely "Recommended." And others - oh, wait. The Foxes limit themselves to those two choices, tacitly promising that every last damn Beanie Baby would appreciate in value.
I'm not calling the Foxes a pair of Beanie Madoffs. Still, I'm unsettled by any speculators who establish inflated prices on commodities in which they themselves are heavily invested. (For further examples, Google "Enron" and "California.")
This might be a good time to revisit the mission and credo of their publisher.
"Scholastic has created quality products and services that educate, entertain and motivate children and are designed to help enlarge their understanding of the world around them."
I guess kids have to enlarge their understanding of getting screwed sometime.
The Handbook informs us that the rarest Beanies are worth more because of their errors. (By this logic, the Foxes should be only slightly less valuable than the last president.)
Really, is Righty the Elephant's upside-down flag an mistake? Maybe he's warning us that the republic is in peril.
Either way, I bet Righty just hates this:
In addition to encouraging thousands of children to waste money on toy bears they should under no circumstances actually enjoy, the Foxes have also:
Repurposed their Beanie photos into a set of Beanie Baby Trading Cards
Published 1980's Silver Dollar Fortune Telling, the back cover of which promises "Fight Inflation With SILVER DOLLARS!"
Written unproduced films, including (in the Foxes' own words) "a gory werewolf story" and "a hilarious screenplay titled 'No Brainer!' starring Woody Allen and Arnold Schwarzenegger."
Manufactured "a neat little calorie counter" for the infomercial market.
Launched Logopogo, "a world class shopping web-site," now defunct.
Published the novel Return to Sender: The Secret Son of Elvis Presley.
Posted five-star reviews of their own books on Amazon. Of Return to Sender, Les writes "we think it could be the most incisive book ever written about Elvis, and who he really was. If you can read this book without being moved, we'd be surprised."
Pop Quiz, Hot Shot!
Which of the following are band names . . . and which are the Foxes' proposals for new Beanies?
Biscuit the Dog
Pedro the Lion
Blush the Cardinal
Choke the Boa
Dizzy the Possum
Muscles the Boxer
Donna the Buffalo
Pain the Wasp
Stretch the Ferret
Trek the Starfish
The Crap Archivist lives in Kansas City, where he originates his on-line Studies for the Voice's sister paper, The Pitch.
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